I pull into the cul-de-sac & toot my horn. Shortly the woman comes out & gets in.
"Hello love" i say "where we off to?" i chirpily ask.
"Oh, err....i don`t know what it`s called.Turn right at the end & head off towards town" she says.
I do as she asks....
Then comes the best question i`ve had all day.
"How much is it gonna cost?" she asks.
I DON`T KNOW, COS YOU`VE NOT TOLD ME WHERE YOU`RE EFFING GOING YOU STUPID COW!!!....i think to myself.
some people eh!
Thursday 11 November 2010
Have you ever seen one of these?......
I pull up outside the local library & the guy gets in. He sits in the front passenger seat next to me & he`s holding a ream of loose A4 sized paper. He tells me where he`s going & we tootle off.
Not far into our journey he shows me one the pieces of paper he`s holding. It`s a printed off photograph of an old 70s-style blue & cream ford transit ice-cream van.
"Have you ever seen one of these?" he asks.
"One of what?" I ask.
"One of these blue ice-cream vans!" he says.
"err, no. I`ve not seen one like that" i say in a puzzled way.
"Well you won`t, cos I`M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO!!!" he shouts excitedly.
"Oh...." i say.
He then flicks through the ream of photocopies, showing me what must be 50+ copies of the same picture. He looked very pleased with himself.
I am baffled & a bit worried & want the journey to end quickly.....
Not far into our journey he shows me one the pieces of paper he`s holding. It`s a printed off photograph of an old 70s-style blue & cream ford transit ice-cream van.
"Have you ever seen one of these?" he asks.
"One of what?" I ask.
"One of these blue ice-cream vans!" he says.
"err, no. I`ve not seen one like that" i say in a puzzled way.
"Well you won`t, cos I`M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO!!!" he shouts excitedly.
"Oh...." i say.
He then flicks through the ream of photocopies, showing me what must be 50+ copies of the same picture. He looked very pleased with himself.
I am baffled & a bit worried & want the journey to end quickly.....
Tuesday 28 September 2010
Can i have my handbrake back missus?....
Everybody likes to have their own personal space. One day i picked up this huge lady who squeezed into the front passenger seat of my car. When i say huge, i mean truly MASSIVE!!! She must`ve been 25stone plus all day. Anyway, after much huffing & puffing she managed to get in the car.
Instead of assisting, i just sat there & watched in disbelief. The car creeked & groaned under the strain.
"Hello love. Where to?" i chirpily asked. She told me her destination & we were off.....or so i thought we were. The woman was so big, her hips or side of her bum was squashed up tight & even folding over my 'on' handbrake lever. I could hardly see it, nevermind access it. Not wanting to touch the woman i had to embarrassingly ask her to 'undo' the handbrake for me.....
Instead of assisting, i just sat there & watched in disbelief. The car creeked & groaned under the strain.
"Hello love. Where to?" i chirpily asked. She told me her destination & we were off.....or so i thought we were. The woman was so big, her hips or side of her bum was squashed up tight & even folding over my 'on' handbrake lever. I could hardly see it, nevermind access it. Not wanting to touch the woman i had to embarrassingly ask her to 'undo' the handbrake for me.....
Christmas tips...
All taxi firms have their regular customers & the firm i work for is no different. Some of our regulars are seen as good customers or 'good payers' to be more precise. All the drivers know & like the good payers. Also, all the drivers know who the nice friendly characters are. There`s nothing like a good ol` chin-wag to brighten your day up.
On the flip side i`m sure all taxi firms have their regulars who aren`t as popular. Some are a bit tight, some grumpy, some awkward & some a bit smelly. Paul (name has been changed) falls into all four of these catagories!!!!
As soon as my datahead bleeps with the next job & Paul`s name pops up, i groan & cringe! Paul is an odd fellow, the sort who wears a fully zipped up snorkel coat in a heatwave. This coat has obviously never seen the inside of a washing machine either, as it totally stinks of stale sweat & god knows what else.
Paul uses taxis ALL the time. I once picked him up from the top of his road to drop him off outside his home 200yds away, but mostly his journey consists of his house to town or town to his house. This is almost a daily occurance & is almost exactly a 1 mile trip....our minimum fare of £2.80
When Paul gets in the car he always insists on having all the windows up & states his destination in an almost robotic style. Then there`s silence for the entire journey. He sits very upright & stiff and looks straight ahead, never moving. Upon arrival he speaks again in his mechanical style "two pound eighty" then hands over the exact money in dirty fluff coated coins (i`d hate to know where they`ve been)
This process happens almost every day .....home to town (an hour or so) then town to home.
Last year, just before christmas i had the absolute pleasure of picking Paul up from his usual collection point in town. The usual silent journey took place. Upon arrival i was taken aback when Paul got out & said "There you go, there`s three pounds there." dropping three shiny pound coins into my hand.
Wow, i thought. A christmas tip & a bit of festive spirit from the guy.
"Thankyou very much Paul" i said with a big smile "that`s very kind of you"
Paul just stood & stared at me.....then shouted "I WANT 20p CHANGE!!!"
The tight git!
On the flip side i`m sure all taxi firms have their regulars who aren`t as popular. Some are a bit tight, some grumpy, some awkward & some a bit smelly. Paul (name has been changed) falls into all four of these catagories!!!!
As soon as my datahead bleeps with the next job & Paul`s name pops up, i groan & cringe! Paul is an odd fellow, the sort who wears a fully zipped up snorkel coat in a heatwave. This coat has obviously never seen the inside of a washing machine either, as it totally stinks of stale sweat & god knows what else.
Paul uses taxis ALL the time. I once picked him up from the top of his road to drop him off outside his home 200yds away, but mostly his journey consists of his house to town or town to his house. This is almost a daily occurance & is almost exactly a 1 mile trip....our minimum fare of £2.80
When Paul gets in the car he always insists on having all the windows up & states his destination in an almost robotic style. Then there`s silence for the entire journey. He sits very upright & stiff and looks straight ahead, never moving. Upon arrival he speaks again in his mechanical style "two pound eighty" then hands over the exact money in dirty fluff coated coins (i`d hate to know where they`ve been)
This process happens almost every day .....home to town (an hour or so) then town to home.
Last year, just before christmas i had the absolute pleasure of picking Paul up from his usual collection point in town. The usual silent journey took place. Upon arrival i was taken aback when Paul got out & said "There you go, there`s three pounds there." dropping three shiny pound coins into my hand.
Wow, i thought. A christmas tip & a bit of festive spirit from the guy.
"Thankyou very much Paul" i said with a big smile "that`s very kind of you"
Paul just stood & stared at me.....then shouted "I WANT 20p CHANGE!!!"
The tight git!
Friday 24 September 2010
Four days to London....
I picked up a really interesting old bloke one day. He was in his late 90s & was sharp as a knife with his mind, but he could no longer walk or get about without a helper.
I`d picked him up from the old folks home he lived in. He had an appointment at Burnley General Hospital.
He said he didn`t get out much these days & was enjoying the run over to Burnley.
Along the way he told me about how he`d left school at 14 & went straight down the local coal mine. He didn`t like it much & a few years later was involved in a mine accident that had trapped both his legs, breaking them.
He went on to tell me the leg breaks had ended his mining career, but had set him in a new direction....he became an apprentice traction engine driver..... the sort you used to see on fair grounds & on Fred Dibnah-type tv programs. He said he loved the outdoor life & told me in the days before motorways & 'proper' lorries, it`d take four days to get to London & then another four day back.
.....& i whinged when it took me four hours to drive down there a few weeks ago!
I`d picked him up from the old folks home he lived in. He had an appointment at Burnley General Hospital.
He said he didn`t get out much these days & was enjoying the run over to Burnley.
Along the way he told me about how he`d left school at 14 & went straight down the local coal mine. He didn`t like it much & a few years later was involved in a mine accident that had trapped both his legs, breaking them.
He went on to tell me the leg breaks had ended his mining career, but had set him in a new direction....he became an apprentice traction engine driver..... the sort you used to see on fair grounds & on Fred Dibnah-type tv programs. He said he loved the outdoor life & told me in the days before motorways & 'proper' lorries, it`d take four days to get to London & then another four day back.
.....& i whinged when it took me four hours to drive down there a few weeks ago!
I`m 93 you know.....
There`s a lovely old dear i pick up quite often. I take her to the hair dressers, shopping, to the bank & for medical appointments (doctors, eyes, ears, feet etc...)
She is a wonderfully posh old lady who revels in the glory of telling everybody who`ll listen, she`s "93 you know".
When i say she`s lovely, i mean she is lovely in a 'hard work' kind of way. She brings doddering to a new level & can be quite a test to your patience.
One day i picked her up, or rather collected her. It took me nearly five minutes to walk her from her door, up the short garden path to the waiting car.
"You`ll have to hold my arm & help me. I`m 93 you know" she pointed out to me in her shaky but very well spoken voice.
Another 5 minutes later, i had her seat-belted into the car. We were ready to roll.
I asked where she wanted to go today. She told me a visit to the bank & then the opticians. So off we went.
Upon arrival at the Barclays bank in town, i managed to get the single parking space outside. It took me a couple of minutes to get her out of the car & then another minute or so to walk her the fifteen feet to the bank. It was busy inside the bank. All three of the manned points were queued at least five deep. She walked straight to the front of the nearest queue, saying "I`m 93 you know" & then demanded to speak to the manager. One of the bank staff came around the side of the counter & we led the old dear to an available desk. "Can i help you madame?" He asked.
"Yes" she said "....I`m Mrs ##### (i`ll not mention the name) & i wish to make a deposit"
The guy looked at me. I looked at him & shrugged my shoulders in an 'i`m only the driver' kind of way.
"Err, ok madame. We can do that for you. How much do you wish to put in your account?" he asked.
"ten pounds." she handed an envelope over with the money in. "i`m 93 you know"
Five minutes later, the bank guy & myself were walking her out of the bank & back to my car. On our way out i saw a female traffic warden hovering around my car.
"I`m sorry about this love" i said "I didn`t realise i was going to be this long"
"You can`t park here" she said.
"I know & i`m terribly sorry, but i`ve got this elderly lady who cannot walk far & she had a bank appointment"
"That`s not my problem" was the response i got form the warden. She was about to write a ticket out.
By this time, the old dear & the bank guy had arrived at the car.
"What`s all this?" asked the elderly lady.
"I`m getting booked for parking here" i explained.
She turned to look at the female traffic warden & blasted her. "Now look here! I am 93 you know! & i cannot walk very far. Now you stop what you`re doing this instant & leave us be!" To my amazement the traffic warden, not wanting an altercation with a 93 year old woman backed off & told me to "be as quick as possible".
Next stop was the opticians in Morrisons. Another 5 minutes of getting out of the car & extemely slow walking into the store & finally into the opticians.
"Hello. Can i help you?" asked the young girl at the counter.
"I wish to speak to the manager" said the old dear. "...i`m 93 you know"
Again the assistant looked over to me for guidance. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn`t know what she`d come in for.
"Ok. I`ll go & see if he`s available" said the assistant.
Two minutes later the girl appeared with the shop manager. He introduced himself & asked how he could be of assistance. "I`m Mrs ###### & i`m 93 you know. Do you have a card?" The guy looked puzzled & glanced over to me. I said "I`m only the driver"
"A card?" he asked her.
"Yes. Do you have a card?"
"What sort of card do you mean madame?" he asked.
"A card with your number on"
"number?" He asked.
"Yes. So i can ring you to make an appointment"
"Oh...." he said with a tinge of relief "Do you wish to make an appointment?"
"No! I wish to have a card with your number on, so i can make an appointment!" She rattled back at him with more than a hint of annoyance.
"I like to use my telephone" said explained "I`m 93 you know"
Eventually, the old dear got her card & all three of us helped her out of the shop & back to the car. It was a five minute journey back to the old dear`s home & another five minutes helping her out & walking her down the short path to her door. I got about three more "I`m 93`s" during that short period of time too.
All in all, i`d driven, fetched & carried for nearly an hour & half & felt mentally exhausted. The lady paid me & said she`d require another taxi later in the week.
Do you know what? I can`t bloody wait til she`s 94!!!
She is a wonderfully posh old lady who revels in the glory of telling everybody who`ll listen, she`s "93 you know".
When i say she`s lovely, i mean she is lovely in a 'hard work' kind of way. She brings doddering to a new level & can be quite a test to your patience.
One day i picked her up, or rather collected her. It took me nearly five minutes to walk her from her door, up the short garden path to the waiting car.
"You`ll have to hold my arm & help me. I`m 93 you know" she pointed out to me in her shaky but very well spoken voice.
Another 5 minutes later, i had her seat-belted into the car. We were ready to roll.
I asked where she wanted to go today. She told me a visit to the bank & then the opticians. So off we went.
Upon arrival at the Barclays bank in town, i managed to get the single parking space outside. It took me a couple of minutes to get her out of the car & then another minute or so to walk her the fifteen feet to the bank. It was busy inside the bank. All three of the manned points were queued at least five deep. She walked straight to the front of the nearest queue, saying "I`m 93 you know" & then demanded to speak to the manager. One of the bank staff came around the side of the counter & we led the old dear to an available desk. "Can i help you madame?" He asked.
"Yes" she said "....I`m Mrs ##### (i`ll not mention the name) & i wish to make a deposit"
The guy looked at me. I looked at him & shrugged my shoulders in an 'i`m only the driver' kind of way.
"Err, ok madame. We can do that for you. How much do you wish to put in your account?" he asked.
"ten pounds." she handed an envelope over with the money in. "i`m 93 you know"
Five minutes later, the bank guy & myself were walking her out of the bank & back to my car. On our way out i saw a female traffic warden hovering around my car.
"I`m sorry about this love" i said "I didn`t realise i was going to be this long"
"You can`t park here" she said.
"I know & i`m terribly sorry, but i`ve got this elderly lady who cannot walk far & she had a bank appointment"
"That`s not my problem" was the response i got form the warden. She was about to write a ticket out.
By this time, the old dear & the bank guy had arrived at the car.
"What`s all this?" asked the elderly lady.
"I`m getting booked for parking here" i explained.
She turned to look at the female traffic warden & blasted her. "Now look here! I am 93 you know! & i cannot walk very far. Now you stop what you`re doing this instant & leave us be!" To my amazement the traffic warden, not wanting an altercation with a 93 year old woman backed off & told me to "be as quick as possible".
Next stop was the opticians in Morrisons. Another 5 minutes of getting out of the car & extemely slow walking into the store & finally into the opticians.
"Hello. Can i help you?" asked the young girl at the counter.
"I wish to speak to the manager" said the old dear. "...i`m 93 you know"
Again the assistant looked over to me for guidance. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn`t know what she`d come in for.
"Ok. I`ll go & see if he`s available" said the assistant.
Two minutes later the girl appeared with the shop manager. He introduced himself & asked how he could be of assistance. "I`m Mrs ###### & i`m 93 you know. Do you have a card?" The guy looked puzzled & glanced over to me. I said "I`m only the driver"
"A card?" he asked her.
"Yes. Do you have a card?"
"What sort of card do you mean madame?" he asked.
"A card with your number on"
"number?" He asked.
"Yes. So i can ring you to make an appointment"
"Oh...." he said with a tinge of relief "Do you wish to make an appointment?"
"No! I wish to have a card with your number on, so i can make an appointment!" She rattled back at him with more than a hint of annoyance.
"I like to use my telephone" said explained "I`m 93 you know"
Eventually, the old dear got her card & all three of us helped her out of the shop & back to the car. It was a five minute journey back to the old dear`s home & another five minutes helping her out & walking her down the short path to her door. I got about three more "I`m 93`s" during that short period of time too.
All in all, i`d driven, fetched & carried for nearly an hour & half & felt mentally exhausted. The lady paid me & said she`d require another taxi later in the week.
Do you know what? I can`t bloody wait til she`s 94!!!
Thursday 23 September 2010
The love of a mother.....
I pulled up outside the house on the Shadsworth estate & tooted my horn. Two small children were playing about in the front garden. The front door opened & two slightly 'skanky' looking young women came out. One had a folded down pushchair, the other holding a young baby.
I wound the window down & said "Sorry love, i can only take 4 people in my taxi"
"You wot?" she asked.
"I`m only licensed to carry 4 people in my car"
"But there`s only four of us" she said.
I pointed out that two women, two kids & a baby was five people.
"But it`s only a f#####g baby!" she said.
"Sorry love. I don`t make the rules. If i get caught with more than four passengers in my car, i`ll lose my license. I can`t take you"
"You`re `avin a laff are you?" she said.
"Sorry love, i`m serious. Do you want me to order you a bigger car?"
"Will that cost more?" she asked.
"Yes, they do cost more, but they can take six passengers." i informed her.
"I`m not f#####g paying more" she angrily said. "...what if i put the baby in the pram & then in the boot?"
I was astounded & taken a-back by the shear motherly instinct of this teen-skank-mum. I said "Sorry love, no-can-do. Do you want me to order a bigger car?"
"No f##k that...." she said "I`ll ring the pakis. They`ll take us"
I drove off shaking my head
Warms the cockles of your heart doesn`t it ;0)
I wound the window down & said "Sorry love, i can only take 4 people in my taxi"
"You wot?" she asked.
"I`m only licensed to carry 4 people in my car"
"But there`s only four of us" she said.
I pointed out that two women, two kids & a baby was five people.
"But it`s only a f#####g baby!" she said.
"Sorry love. I don`t make the rules. If i get caught with more than four passengers in my car, i`ll lose my license. I can`t take you"
"You`re `avin a laff are you?" she said.
"Sorry love, i`m serious. Do you want me to order you a bigger car?"
"Will that cost more?" she asked.
"Yes, they do cost more, but they can take six passengers." i informed her.
"I`m not f#####g paying more" she angrily said. "...what if i put the baby in the pram & then in the boot?"
I was astounded & taken a-back by the shear motherly instinct of this teen-skank-mum. I said "Sorry love, no-can-do. Do you want me to order a bigger car?"
"No f##k that...." she said "I`ll ring the pakis. They`ll take us"
I drove off shaking my head
Warms the cockles of your heart doesn`t it ;0)
New years eve 2009.....pt2
Yet another collection from a house party, this time in Darwen & it`s between 2 and 3am. It`s another family, mum, dad & two kids (girls) They all say their goodnights & jump into the car.....& we`re off. We`re going back to Blackburn & everybody seems to have had a good time. The kids are tired & the dad is chatting away to me, asking abvout my night & if i`d been busy....etc, etc.
We pulled on to the nice housing estate where they lived. The bloke asked his wife for the keys as we approached the house. I could hear her fumbling around in her bag. She then asked her husband "Have you not got the keys love?"
"No, you`ve got them" was his reply.
"Are you sure? She said "I can`t see them in here & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
"I definitely gave them to you love" He said.
she rummaged around in her bag again for a while & said "Nope, they`re not here"
The bloke let out big slightly impatient & angry sigh & said "I gave you the keys! You have them!"
One of the kids chirped up, saying "I saw some keys on the table in the house that looked like yours"
The bloke was bubbling with anger. "Look! We`re home now & we`ve got no keys to get in!"
His wife said "well i`ve not got them & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
They argued for a couple of minutes before the bloke got his phone out & rang the people at the house they`d just come from. It rang for ages before he got an answer. The people he`d phoned had locked up & gone to bed. They said they`d look for the keys & ring him back. Meanwhile (with my clock still ticking...it`s double-time on new years eve) we turned around & went back to Darwen to get the keys.
His friend phoned back to say they couldn`t find the keys, but they`d try & re-trace their movements over the night. When we finally arrived back at the first house, the husband got out & went in. Not long after we could see torch lights in the back garden & then the front lawn. The house had been turned upside-down in search of the keys. The mum & kids sat in the back of the car watching the action outside. The mum had another rummage in her handbag, to make it look like she was doing something useful. Suddenly i heard a metallic jangling noise. One of the kids said "Arrhhh" & the mum said "Oh shit" quietly. I turned to look at her. Her face was a picture. The keys had been in her bag all along. "He`s gonna go mental" she said.
Meekly she opened the car window & called to him. He said "not now love, i`m busy."
Without saying a word she jangled the keys out of the window with an 'oops i did it again' look on her face. The search party in the front garden stopped & looked over. The husband & his mate just stared at her, whilst the other bloke`s wife let out an awkward laugh. You could cut the tension with a knife!
The husband apologised to his mate for waking them whole house up & got back in the car. She tried to say something, but he cut her dead. We drove back to their house in complete silence. Upon arrival, the bloke paid the extremely expensive fare & apologised to me for being 'pissed about'. I said it was ok. The wife & kids had got out & gone in the house. He said "If you hear about anybody getting murdered tonight, you`ll know why."
I laughed & said "You`ll all be laughing about this tomorrow"
His final words were "I don`t f#####g think so pal"
I pressed 'CLEAR' on my datahead & drove off.
Phewww, i don`t want to be in her shoes....i thought to myself.
We pulled on to the nice housing estate where they lived. The bloke asked his wife for the keys as we approached the house. I could hear her fumbling around in her bag. She then asked her husband "Have you not got the keys love?"
"No, you`ve got them" was his reply.
"Are you sure? She said "I can`t see them in here & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
"I definitely gave them to you love" He said.
she rummaged around in her bag again for a while & said "Nope, they`re not here"
The bloke let out big slightly impatient & angry sigh & said "I gave you the keys! You have them!"
One of the kids chirped up, saying "I saw some keys on the table in the house that looked like yours"
The bloke was bubbling with anger. "Look! We`re home now & we`ve got no keys to get in!"
His wife said "well i`ve not got them & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
They argued for a couple of minutes before the bloke got his phone out & rang the people at the house they`d just come from. It rang for ages before he got an answer. The people he`d phoned had locked up & gone to bed. They said they`d look for the keys & ring him back. Meanwhile (with my clock still ticking...it`s double-time on new years eve) we turned around & went back to Darwen to get the keys.
His friend phoned back to say they couldn`t find the keys, but they`d try & re-trace their movements over the night. When we finally arrived back at the first house, the husband got out & went in. Not long after we could see torch lights in the back garden & then the front lawn. The house had been turned upside-down in search of the keys. The mum & kids sat in the back of the car watching the action outside. The mum had another rummage in her handbag, to make it look like she was doing something useful. Suddenly i heard a metallic jangling noise. One of the kids said "Arrhhh" & the mum said "Oh shit" quietly. I turned to look at her. Her face was a picture. The keys had been in her bag all along. "He`s gonna go mental" she said.
Meekly she opened the car window & called to him. He said "not now love, i`m busy."
Without saying a word she jangled the keys out of the window with an 'oops i did it again' look on her face. The search party in the front garden stopped & looked over. The husband & his mate just stared at her, whilst the other bloke`s wife let out an awkward laugh. You could cut the tension with a knife!
The husband apologised to his mate for waking them whole house up & got back in the car. She tried to say something, but he cut her dead. We drove back to their house in complete silence. Upon arrival, the bloke paid the extremely expensive fare & apologised to me for being 'pissed about'. I said it was ok. The wife & kids had got out & gone in the house. He said "If you hear about anybody getting murdered tonight, you`ll know why."
I laughed & said "You`ll all be laughing about this tomorrow"
His final words were "I don`t f#####g think so pal"
I pressed 'CLEAR' on my datahead & drove off.
Phewww, i don`t want to be in her shoes....i thought to myself.
New years eve 2009.....pt1
I pull up outside the lovely stone cottage set back from the main road. It`s about 1.30am & people are heading off home after the nights festivities. I wasn`t meant to be working but my car had been in the garage the week before christmas & funds were low. My boss had promised me working new years eve would be well worth it financially. Another reason to work the evening was because my better half had been called into work, because one of her staff had phoned in sick at the last minute. Strange that eh?
Our plans had been scuppered.
There was still a party going on in the beautiful stone cottage & sounds of merry conversation wafted out the open front door. A very elegant woman appeared at the door & waved to tell me they were on their way out. Shortly the woman came out with two children, a boy & a younger tired looking sister & got in the back of the car. She said "There`s one more yet" she said "....& can i apologise now?"
"What for love?" i quizzed.
"Him!" she said pointing at the figure just coming out the front door now.
Staggering out the frront door was a man who can only be described as a paraletic Mr Bean-type character. Loudly waving & swaying & shouting his goodbyes to everybody in the cottage (& street) He looked like he`d just been woken up after a bit of a 'sleep off' time. The elegant woman seethed under her breath "Look at him! He`s ruined the whole night for everyone"
The bloke staggered into the front passenger seat, took a double-take look at me & said "Ow-doo Abdul" I just smiled & asked the woman if we were ok to go. She said yes.
As we drove down the road, the pissed up bloke kept turning to look at one of the kids & saying something. The woman suddenly erupted...."FOR GOD`S SAKE BRIAN!! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!! YOU`VE BEEN AT HER ALL NIGHT!!!CAN`T YOU SEE SHE`S FRIGHTENED!!!"
He said something like "easy tiger" to her, then looked at me & said "women eh?".
Finally we arrived outside their home. The bloke, trying to be a clever arse said "She`s paying" & tried to jump out....leaving his wife to pay. As he jumped out, he tried to push the passenger door closed, but his momentum (& drunkeness) made him stagger backwards. He missed the door with his flailing hand & slowly as if in slow-motion, staggered backwards falling the entire width of the road. His fall culminated with him tripping over the opposite curb & him careering over backwards into a neighbours garden. It was an absolute comedy classic!! The bloke was out cold in a neighbours garden. One of the kids said something & the elegant mother shouted "In the house kids. Leave him there!" She was mortified & totally embarrassed by her husbands antics. She paid me & apologised, saying "i bet you get this all the time?"
I smiled & said "No love. He`s the only one"
The woman got out & went in the house, leaving her flat out husband on the lawn opposite. I drove off with tears rolling down my cheeks......
Our plans had been scuppered.
There was still a party going on in the beautiful stone cottage & sounds of merry conversation wafted out the open front door. A very elegant woman appeared at the door & waved to tell me they were on their way out. Shortly the woman came out with two children, a boy & a younger tired looking sister & got in the back of the car. She said "There`s one more yet" she said "....& can i apologise now?"
"What for love?" i quizzed.
"Him!" she said pointing at the figure just coming out the front door now.
Staggering out the frront door was a man who can only be described as a paraletic Mr Bean-type character. Loudly waving & swaying & shouting his goodbyes to everybody in the cottage (& street) He looked like he`d just been woken up after a bit of a 'sleep off' time. The elegant woman seethed under her breath "Look at him! He`s ruined the whole night for everyone"
The bloke staggered into the front passenger seat, took a double-take look at me & said "Ow-doo Abdul" I just smiled & asked the woman if we were ok to go. She said yes.
As we drove down the road, the pissed up bloke kept turning to look at one of the kids & saying something. The woman suddenly erupted...."FOR GOD`S SAKE BRIAN!! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!! YOU`VE BEEN AT HER ALL NIGHT!!!CAN`T YOU SEE SHE`S FRIGHTENED!!!"
He said something like "easy tiger" to her, then looked at me & said "women eh?".
Finally we arrived outside their home. The bloke, trying to be a clever arse said "She`s paying" & tried to jump out....leaving his wife to pay. As he jumped out, he tried to push the passenger door closed, but his momentum (& drunkeness) made him stagger backwards. He missed the door with his flailing hand & slowly as if in slow-motion, staggered backwards falling the entire width of the road. His fall culminated with him tripping over the opposite curb & him careering over backwards into a neighbours garden. It was an absolute comedy classic!! The bloke was out cold in a neighbours garden. One of the kids said something & the elegant mother shouted "In the house kids. Leave him there!" She was mortified & totally embarrassed by her husbands antics. She paid me & apologised, saying "i bet you get this all the time?"
I smiled & said "No love. He`s the only one"
The woman got out & went in the house, leaving her flat out husband on the lawn opposite. I drove off with tears rolling down my cheeks......
It was there when we got in.....
I pulled up outside the county court entrance of the shopping precinct & my passengers got in. Both sat in the back of the car & we set off. Probably a minute into the journey i got wafted with a rather ripe smell, so i tactfully opened the windows slightly. (It`s amazing how many people honk & don`t realise it)
My passengers were a 'special' needs lady & her helper/socialworker.
By the time we`d reached our destination the smell was quite pungent to say the least & the windows were nearly fully open. The special person got out the car & went inside the house as her helper paid me. She asked for a receipt with her change, so i wrote one out.
As i turned to hand the receipt to the woman i noticed a rather large brown smear right across one of the seats. I pointed to it & asked "what`s that love?"
The woman looked at it & said "Oh it was there when we got in"
I DON`T BLOODY THINK SO!!!!!
"I hope that`s not what i think it is?" i said.
The woman just looked at it & said "i don`t know what it is"
"Can you not smell it love?" i said "That`s crap & it wasn`t there before!"
The woman said she`d go in the house & check the other woman. She came out a minute or so later & said "Yes, sorry....she`s had an accident"
"Well, i can`t drive around with that in my car" i said, pointing to the shit smear.
"i`m going to have to get the car valetted now & you`re gonna have to pay for it."
The woman looked at me as if i was being unfair!!
"would you get into a car with a turd on the seat love?" i asked.
"err, no" she replied.
She went back into the house & her boss came out to have a look. They apologised & told me to get the car cleaned & present them with a bill. So i did. I dropped the car off at a valet place & knocked off for the afternoon.
The next day i presented them with a bill for the valet & another bill for my lost earnings. They settled up with me & promised it wouldn`t happen again.
My passengers were a 'special' needs lady & her helper/socialworker.
By the time we`d reached our destination the smell was quite pungent to say the least & the windows were nearly fully open. The special person got out the car & went inside the house as her helper paid me. She asked for a receipt with her change, so i wrote one out.
As i turned to hand the receipt to the woman i noticed a rather large brown smear right across one of the seats. I pointed to it & asked "what`s that love?"
The woman looked at it & said "Oh it was there when we got in"
I DON`T BLOODY THINK SO!!!!!
"I hope that`s not what i think it is?" i said.
The woman just looked at it & said "i don`t know what it is"
"Can you not smell it love?" i said "That`s crap & it wasn`t there before!"
The woman said she`d go in the house & check the other woman. She came out a minute or so later & said "Yes, sorry....she`s had an accident"
"Well, i can`t drive around with that in my car" i said, pointing to the shit smear.
"i`m going to have to get the car valetted now & you`re gonna have to pay for it."
The woman looked at me as if i was being unfair!!
"would you get into a car with a turd on the seat love?" i asked.
"err, no" she replied.
She went back into the house & her boss came out to have a look. They apologised & told me to get the car cleaned & present them with a bill. So i did. I dropped the car off at a valet place & knocked off for the afternoon.
The next day i presented them with a bill for the valet & another bill for my lost earnings. They settled up with me & promised it wouldn`t happen again.
Sixth sense.....
As soon as the young girl got into the rear passenger seat of the car, call it a sixth sense or an instinct but i knew something wasn`t right.
My mum once told me to always go by my instincts "they`re there for a reason" she`d say.
The girl was only about 14, plain looking & quiet.
"where to love?" i asked.
"Fishmoor Drive" she replied. So off we tootled.
Something was bugging me, i didn`t know what but it didn`t feel right.
Soon we arrived up the Fishmoor area of town. "where abouts love?" i asked again.
"Those houses there on the right" she said.
I was prepared for a 'jumper'.....someone who runs off without paying.
I stopped & said "that`s five pounds please love"
She nervously said "err, i`ll have to get some money off my mum"
I gave her a knowing look & said "I`m watching you" & undid my seatbelt ready for the chase. She got out & went to the door of the house. She knocked, waited & then went inside when somebody opened the door. I still thought something wasn`t right, so kept close watch for anything suspicious.
A few minutes passed & nothing happened. She didn`t re-appear with the taxi fare. So i got out & went over to the door & knocked....nothing. I knocked about 3 times but still heard nothing. The house was a gable end council house, so i went round the front & banged on that door.......nothing.
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.....I EFFING KNEW IT!!!
The house itself was a shit-hole. You know the sort, matress thrown into the overgrown garden, smashed up fence, stereotypical broken rusty fridge & token selotaped up broken window. I went back to my car & reported the 'runner' to base.
Just as i was about to pull away, i spotted two hi-viz cladded beat coppers waaaay up the top of Fishmoor Drive. I drove up to them & told them what had just happened. They jumped in the car & i took them to the offending house. They tried to make themsleves heard, but got as much luck as i had. One of the coppers then asked me for my phone number & explained that he knew the 'family' in the house & would try & catch up with the girl in future. I gave him my number & left it at that.
Nearly a month later, i got a call form the policeman who said "I`ve got some money for you" & could i arrange a meeting with him & the young girl, so she could apologise & pay me. I agreed & we met up the next day.
I met the copper outside the girls sisters house & we went inside. She was sat there like a chavvy little scrote, rolling her eyes & looking totally 'not bovvered' ala Vicky Pollard style. The policeman gave her a rollicking & she handed over a letter of apology to me. The writing was atrocious & written in text speak "Sorry 4 not paying u & runnin away etc...." When asked why she did it, she shrugged her shoulders & said "don`t know". The copper read the letter & said he was impressed with her attempt. She smirked & said "me sister wrote it. I can`t write nor nuffin"
The girl handed over the fiver she owed & the copper & myself left. I thanked him for getting my money & putting the time in to help. He said it was ok & explained he knew the family, they were all rough as hell & the girl probably had no chance in life cos her family didn`t give a shit.
I thanked him again & we went on our separate ways.
I learned one thing from this story.....LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!! My mum was right! ;0)
My mum once told me to always go by my instincts "they`re there for a reason" she`d say.
The girl was only about 14, plain looking & quiet.
"where to love?" i asked.
"Fishmoor Drive" she replied. So off we tootled.
Something was bugging me, i didn`t know what but it didn`t feel right.
Soon we arrived up the Fishmoor area of town. "where abouts love?" i asked again.
"Those houses there on the right" she said.
I was prepared for a 'jumper'.....someone who runs off without paying.
I stopped & said "that`s five pounds please love"
She nervously said "err, i`ll have to get some money off my mum"
I gave her a knowing look & said "I`m watching you" & undid my seatbelt ready for the chase. She got out & went to the door of the house. She knocked, waited & then went inside when somebody opened the door. I still thought something wasn`t right, so kept close watch for anything suspicious.
A few minutes passed & nothing happened. She didn`t re-appear with the taxi fare. So i got out & went over to the door & knocked....nothing. I knocked about 3 times but still heard nothing. The house was a gable end council house, so i went round the front & banged on that door.......nothing.
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.....I EFFING KNEW IT!!!
The house itself was a shit-hole. You know the sort, matress thrown into the overgrown garden, smashed up fence, stereotypical broken rusty fridge & token selotaped up broken window. I went back to my car & reported the 'runner' to base.
Just as i was about to pull away, i spotted two hi-viz cladded beat coppers waaaay up the top of Fishmoor Drive. I drove up to them & told them what had just happened. They jumped in the car & i took them to the offending house. They tried to make themsleves heard, but got as much luck as i had. One of the coppers then asked me for my phone number & explained that he knew the 'family' in the house & would try & catch up with the girl in future. I gave him my number & left it at that.
Nearly a month later, i got a call form the policeman who said "I`ve got some money for you" & could i arrange a meeting with him & the young girl, so she could apologise & pay me. I agreed & we met up the next day.
I met the copper outside the girls sisters house & we went inside. She was sat there like a chavvy little scrote, rolling her eyes & looking totally 'not bovvered' ala Vicky Pollard style. The policeman gave her a rollicking & she handed over a letter of apology to me. The writing was atrocious & written in text speak "Sorry 4 not paying u & runnin away etc...." When asked why she did it, she shrugged her shoulders & said "don`t know". The copper read the letter & said he was impressed with her attempt. She smirked & said "me sister wrote it. I can`t write nor nuffin"
The girl handed over the fiver she owed & the copper & myself left. I thanked him for getting my money & putting the time in to help. He said it was ok & explained he knew the family, they were all rough as hell & the girl probably had no chance in life cos her family didn`t give a shit.
I thanked him again & we went on our separate ways.
I learned one thing from this story.....LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!! My mum was right! ;0)
Keeping a straight face....
The job came through to my datahead. I had to pick an old dear up from a local nursing home. When i arrived, i tooted my horn & the lady came to the door. She was what they call around these parts a 'bumper'. Only small in height but probably the same in width. She hobbled/trundled down the path towards the car.
She opened the front passenger door & hesitated a moment while she thought about how she was going to handle this awkward proceedure.
Most 'oldies' get into taxis 'bum first'. They tend to position themselves in the doorway then sort of fall back onto the seat, then they swing their feet round & they`re in. Anyway, this lady decided to hold the doorframe with one hand & the door with the other then swing her closest leg into the footwell in a ballet-esque fashion. She took about 3 swings with her leg, each one slightly bigger than the last. When she had built up enough momentum, she went for it........& let out the BIGGEST fart you have ever heard!!!!
I had to bite my lip & try my best not to piss myself laughing.
The woman was totally embarrassed & a bit quiet....& i was trying to hold myself together.
Luckily for me, it wasn`t a long journey. The lady paid me & made as hasty an exit as she could. I thanked her & drove away literally crying with laughter!!!! :0)
She opened the front passenger door & hesitated a moment while she thought about how she was going to handle this awkward proceedure.
Most 'oldies' get into taxis 'bum first'. They tend to position themselves in the doorway then sort of fall back onto the seat, then they swing their feet round & they`re in. Anyway, this lady decided to hold the doorframe with one hand & the door with the other then swing her closest leg into the footwell in a ballet-esque fashion. She took about 3 swings with her leg, each one slightly bigger than the last. When she had built up enough momentum, she went for it........& let out the BIGGEST fart you have ever heard!!!!
I had to bite my lip & try my best not to piss myself laughing.
The woman was totally embarrassed & a bit quiet....& i was trying to hold myself together.
Luckily for me, it wasn`t a long journey. The lady paid me & made as hasty an exit as she could. I thanked her & drove away literally crying with laughter!!!! :0)
Thursday 18 March 2010
The old ones are the best.....
I arrived outside the old dears bungalow. It was on one of those mini estates they build for the old folk. It was nice, quiet & tidy. She came hobbling out with her stick & struggled into the back passenger seats. I asked if she needed a lift.....she didn`t.
"Where we going to, love?" I asked chirpily (i like the old folk)
"I`m going to the hospital with me ears" she replied.
I couldn`t resist the punchline....
"Well, it`d be hard going there without them love!!" (drum roll!!)
Oh how we laughed...... :0)
"Where we going to, love?" I asked chirpily (i like the old folk)
"I`m going to the hospital with me ears" she replied.
I couldn`t resist the punchline....
"Well, it`d be hard going there without them love!!" (drum roll!!)
Oh how we laughed...... :0)
Thursday 11 March 2010
Burkha babe......
I arrived at the address on my datahead. Two young asian women appeared at the door. One of them said her goodbyes & got in the car. The other went back inside. She was dressed very smart & came across as very westernised. We set off.
The woman started fumbling around in the back of the car & a minute or so later chirped up, asking me "Can you see my face?"
I looked in my mirror & was shocked to see a black-clad figure with just a pair of eyes looking at me. The woman had gotten changed into a burkha. She went on to tell me her husband would "kill her" if he saw her in public without the ninja garb on.I said i`d heard asian women wore the burkha by choice. She laughed & said "you don`t know my husband." She then asked me to stop at the end of her road & she`d walk the rest of the way, saying her husband would "kill her" if he saw her getting out of a "white taxi". The woman was in such a rush to get out of the car & not be seen, she handed me a £20 note & made a swift exit. The job was only about £4 at most.
The woman started fumbling around in the back of the car & a minute or so later chirped up, asking me "Can you see my face?"
I looked in my mirror & was shocked to see a black-clad figure with just a pair of eyes looking at me. The woman had gotten changed into a burkha. She went on to tell me her husband would "kill her" if he saw her in public without the ninja garb on.I said i`d heard asian women wore the burkha by choice. She laughed & said "you don`t know my husband." She then asked me to stop at the end of her road & she`d walk the rest of the way, saying her husband would "kill her" if he saw her getting out of a "white taxi". The woman was in such a rush to get out of the car & not be seen, she handed me a £20 note & made a swift exit. The job was only about £4 at most.
God bless the NHS......
An elderly woman told me about her recent trip to America with her sister. They`d been to visit family over there. The womans sister started to feel unwell whilst in the states & had to spend 3 days in hospital. Luckily they had insurance to cover the hospital costs. Before they got discarged from hospital, they had to sign all the paperwork regarding the insurance claim. On the form was an itemised bill. It said:-
3 days in hospital = $25,000
1 course of antibiotics (12 pills) = $900
I`ll never call the NHS again.
3 days in hospital = $25,000
1 course of antibiotics (12 pills) = $900
I`ll never call the NHS again.
wannabe WAGs
I picked up two wannabe WAGs one morning. They were heading home after a night at a premiership footballers 'pad' in South Manchester.
The conversation i overheard was quite staggering & i couldn`t believe the absolute emptiness & lack of morals these two leaches possessed. Without mentioning any names or teams, here`s an example of what i heard them chatting about.....
One of them is shagging two premier league footballers from two separate clubs in the north west. Neither player knows about the other.
The pad they`d just been to costs "3 grand a month to rent & he`s ONLY on £4000 a week. I found a wage packet whilst rooting one day" (the player was at training)
One of the girls said she`d shagged a few of the players - even a married one. She justified it by saying the players wife lived abroad, so it was her fault.
The whinged that they`d only been given £100 for the taxi-fare home. It was only £35...(I didn`t get a tip either!!)
One said if she didn`t get a designer handbag for her birthday, she`d leave him for the other player. She said she`d given him strict instructions to make it an expensive one. She then went on to say how wonderful it would be if he proposed to her. lol!
Honestly, it`s amazing what you hear sometimes.
(update) i`ve since heard the player with the £3000 a month pad has moved to a foreign club during the transfer window. I bet the poor girl broke her little heart when he told her he was moving on.....
The conversation i overheard was quite staggering & i couldn`t believe the absolute emptiness & lack of morals these two leaches possessed. Without mentioning any names or teams, here`s an example of what i heard them chatting about.....
One of them is shagging two premier league footballers from two separate clubs in the north west. Neither player knows about the other.
The pad they`d just been to costs "3 grand a month to rent & he`s ONLY on £4000 a week. I found a wage packet whilst rooting one day" (the player was at training)
One of the girls said she`d shagged a few of the players - even a married one. She justified it by saying the players wife lived abroad, so it was her fault.
The whinged that they`d only been given £100 for the taxi-fare home. It was only £35...(I didn`t get a tip either!!)
One said if she didn`t get a designer handbag for her birthday, she`d leave him for the other player. She said she`d given him strict instructions to make it an expensive one. She then went on to say how wonderful it would be if he proposed to her. lol!
Honestly, it`s amazing what you hear sometimes.
(update) i`ve since heard the player with the £3000 a month pad has moved to a foreign club during the transfer window. I bet the poor girl broke her little heart when he told her he was moving on.....
wheep! wheep! wheep!.....mental alert!!!!
I pull up outside a house & toot my horn. A woman comes tootling out, down the path & into my car."Hello love" i said "....where we off to?"
She tolls me where she wants to go & we set off. It`s a beautifully sunny & warm March day. My passenger seems like a like-able happy-go-lucky kinda woman.
She asks the usual taxi questions:- "Have you been busy?" & "What time did you start?".....ala Peter Kay style :0)
Then she starts....
woman..."Are you married?"
Me..."No i`m not"
woman..."Why are men so against marriage?"
Me..."I`m not"
woman..."So why aren`t you married?"
Me..."My partner is still technically married to her ex."
woman..."I`ve been married to the bestest guy in the whole world for nine years.He`s the most wonderful man & i`m gonna be married to him for the rest of my life!"
Me..."I`m very happy for you" (wheep! wheep! The mental alarm is starting to ring) :-S
woman..."He loves me soooo much, he can`t even take his eyes off me when he`s driving"
me..."That`s nice" (wheep! wheep!)
woman..."He doesn`t live with me. He keeps telling me he`s got a girlfriend & a baby. I don`t believe him."
me..."where`s he living then?"
woman..."He lives over Blackpool way, but won`t tell me exactly where"
me...(i don`t blame him) I think to myself :0/
woman..."He says i`ve got to stop bothering him, but i know he loves me. I`m gonna spend the rest of my life with him & never ever let him go."
me..."oh, that`s nice love"
woman..."isn`t being in love brilliant?
me..."erm, yes it is love.
We arrive at our destination.
me..."that`s £5.50 please love"
she pays me & says "Thanks for being so understanding. I love him you know"
me..."i`m sure you do love. Thankyou bye bye....."
I bugger off sharpish!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> pheww!!
She tolls me where she wants to go & we set off. It`s a beautifully sunny & warm March day. My passenger seems like a like-able happy-go-lucky kinda woman.
She asks the usual taxi questions:- "Have you been busy?" & "What time did you start?".....ala Peter Kay style :0)
Then she starts....
woman..."Are you married?"
Me..."No i`m not"
woman..."Why are men so against marriage?"
Me..."I`m not"
woman..."So why aren`t you married?"
Me..."My partner is still technically married to her ex."
woman..."I`ve been married to the bestest guy in the whole world for nine years.He`s the most wonderful man & i`m gonna be married to him for the rest of my life!"
Me..."I`m very happy for you" (wheep! wheep! The mental alarm is starting to ring) :-S
woman..."He loves me soooo much, he can`t even take his eyes off me when he`s driving"
me..."That`s nice" (wheep! wheep!)
woman..."He doesn`t live with me. He keeps telling me he`s got a girlfriend & a baby. I don`t believe him."
me..."where`s he living then?"
woman..."He lives over Blackpool way, but won`t tell me exactly where"
me...(i don`t blame him) I think to myself :0/
woman..."He says i`ve got to stop bothering him, but i know he loves me. I`m gonna spend the rest of my life with him & never ever let him go."
me..."oh, that`s nice love"
woman..."isn`t being in love brilliant?
me..."erm, yes it is love.
We arrive at our destination.
me..."that`s £5.50 please love"
she pays me & says "Thanks for being so understanding. I love him you know"
me..."i`m sure you do love. Thankyou bye bye....."
I bugger off sharpish!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> pheww!!
Tuesday 23 February 2010
Why did the chicken cross the road?....
It was dinner time, & i`d just nipped into a sandwich shop for something to eat. I was in one of the town`s asian areas, full of tiny shops & row upon row of tightly packed terraced houses. I sat there munching on my sarnie & watching the world go by, when something caught my eye. A few doors up from where i`d parked, a reddishy-brown chicken walked out of an open doorway, sauntered across the road & disappeared into another house opposite. About thirty seconds later a little asian woman appeared at the front door from where the chicken had originated. In her hand was a large kitchen knife. She looked up & down the road, obviously looking for the bird before shrugging her shoulders & going back inside. I wonder if the chicken knew just how close it had come to meeting its maker!
Saturday 20 February 2010
Those lovable Romany folk....
It`s 7am on a cold dark winters morn. My first job of the day comes beeping through my datahead. It`s pick-up from a local shop just down the road & it`s going to another town. A decent first job of the day me thinks! :0)
My heart sinks when i arrive at the shop. I am greeted by a guy in his early 20s who is obviously very drunk, carrying a plastic bag full of bottles & cans of beer. The guy wobbles over & gets in the car. "Good morning" i say chirpilly "Where we off to?" It is then i realise who i`ve picked up. The almost Irish-tinged accent of one of the local gypsy population. The conversation goes as follows....
Me..."where we off to?"
Him..."just f#####g drive"
Me..."I need to know where to?"
Him..."Accrington"
Me..."where abouts in Accrington?
Him..."I`ll show you when we get there"
(alarm bells are ringing in my head)
The conversation continues as i drive....
Him..."how much is this gonna cost?"
Me..."eleven pounds mate" (it`s a fixed rate town to town)
Him..."I`ll give you five"
Me..."Sorry mate, it`s eleven pounds. It says here" (I point to the rates list)
Him..."i`ll give you five pounds & nothing more"
I slam on my breaks & stop. I`ve only gone a mile or so....
Me..."Look mate, it`s gonna cost eleven pounds to go to Accrington. You either pay full upfront now or pay for this mile & get out here"
Him..."I`ll pay when i get there"
Me..."No you won`t. You`ll pay now or get out"
Him..."Don`t you think i`ll pay"
Me..."No. That`s why i want money up-front"
The guy fumbles in his pocket & produces a crumpled up £20 note. I take it & give him £9 change. He mumbles under his breath something like "ripping off c###".
I ignore him & continue our journey.
Not much further down the road, the guy again fumbles in his pocket & produces a cigarette & lighter. I point at the 'NO SMOKING' sign infront of him & say "Sorry mate, you cannot smoke in here". It starts again....
Him..."I`ll smoke where i f#####g want"
Me..."Not in here you won`t mate"
Him..."I`ve paid for this taxi. I`ll smoke if i want"
Me..."No you won`t"
We argue the toss for a good few minutes. He eventualy puts the cigarette away & continues his mumbled insults...."f#####g fat c###" etc....
He then reaches into his plastic bag & comes up with a bottle of beer. He tries to open it with his teeth. We start again....
Me..."Sorry pal, there`s no eating or drinking in here"
Him..."I`m only having a beer"
Me..."Not in here pal"
Him..."Why not?"
Me..."Cos it says NO EATING OR DRINKING on the sign in front of you."
Him..."I`m having a drink"
Me..."No you`re not"
We argue the toss once more. He eventually puts the bottle away.
We`re not far from Accrington now. He continues with his under-the-breath insults & threats.
He says..."I`m gonna kick you`re f#####g windscreen though in a minute"
Me..."Why`s that?"
Him..."Cos you`re a c### & i don`t like you"
Me..."Can i ask you a question?"
Him..."What?"
Me..."Why are you being such an arse-hole?"
Him..."I`m not"
Me..."Really? I`d say you`ve been a complete nightmare since the moment you got in"
....He goes quiet for a moment, then says "I`m gonna kick you`re f#####g head in when i get out"
Me..."why`s that then?"
Him..."cos i don`t like you"
He continues his under-breath threats & insults as we drive into Accrington centre. I ask him where we are going. He says "keep going, it`s further up the road..."
Me..."where abouts?
Him..."Just keep going you f#####g fat c###"
Me..."No need for that"
Him..."drive on"
Suddenly i do a swift right turn...
Him..."where we going?"
Me..."a short-cut mate"
Him..."where to?"
Me..."just here"
I drive straight into the forecourt of Accrington Police station. There`s a couple of Police officers talking in the entrance of the building. I toot my horn loudly & drive right over to them. The gypsy hasn`t a clue what`s going on. I wind down my window & politely ask "Excuse me officers, could you possible help me get this idiot out of my car? He`s done nothing but threaten to kick my head in & damage my car since he got in" The officers open the passenger door & pull the guy out....
Him..."I haven`t done anything. I haven`t done anything!!"
Officer..."The guy wants you out"
Him..."but i haven`t done anything, honest!"
The officer asks if i to press charges. I say "No, i just want him out thanks"
Officer..."has he paid you?"
Me..."Yes, i`ve been paid, but the guy has been threatening to kick-off for the entire journey"
I thank the police officers for their assistance & they drag the drunken gypsy off. I can still hear him protesting his innocence to the officers. I stop on my way out of the police station & dump his plastic bag full of bottles & cans into a litter bin.
I press my 'CLEARED' button on my datahead & then press for my 'NEXT JOB'
My heart sinks when i arrive at the shop. I am greeted by a guy in his early 20s who is obviously very drunk, carrying a plastic bag full of bottles & cans of beer. The guy wobbles over & gets in the car. "Good morning" i say chirpilly "Where we off to?" It is then i realise who i`ve picked up. The almost Irish-tinged accent of one of the local gypsy population. The conversation goes as follows....
Me..."where we off to?"
Him..."just f#####g drive"
Me..."I need to know where to?"
Him..."Accrington"
Me..."where abouts in Accrington?
Him..."I`ll show you when we get there"
(alarm bells are ringing in my head)
The conversation continues as i drive....
Him..."how much is this gonna cost?"
Me..."eleven pounds mate" (it`s a fixed rate town to town)
Him..."I`ll give you five"
Me..."Sorry mate, it`s eleven pounds. It says here" (I point to the rates list)
Him..."i`ll give you five pounds & nothing more"
I slam on my breaks & stop. I`ve only gone a mile or so....
Me..."Look mate, it`s gonna cost eleven pounds to go to Accrington. You either pay full upfront now or pay for this mile & get out here"
Him..."I`ll pay when i get there"
Me..."No you won`t. You`ll pay now or get out"
Him..."Don`t you think i`ll pay"
Me..."No. That`s why i want money up-front"
The guy fumbles in his pocket & produces a crumpled up £20 note. I take it & give him £9 change. He mumbles under his breath something like "ripping off c###".
I ignore him & continue our journey.
Not much further down the road, the guy again fumbles in his pocket & produces a cigarette & lighter. I point at the 'NO SMOKING' sign infront of him & say "Sorry mate, you cannot smoke in here". It starts again....
Him..."I`ll smoke where i f#####g want"
Me..."Not in here you won`t mate"
Him..."I`ve paid for this taxi. I`ll smoke if i want"
Me..."No you won`t"
We argue the toss for a good few minutes. He eventualy puts the cigarette away & continues his mumbled insults...."f#####g fat c###" etc....
He then reaches into his plastic bag & comes up with a bottle of beer. He tries to open it with his teeth. We start again....
Me..."Sorry pal, there`s no eating or drinking in here"
Him..."I`m only having a beer"
Me..."Not in here pal"
Him..."Why not?"
Me..."Cos it says NO EATING OR DRINKING on the sign in front of you."
Him..."I`m having a drink"
Me..."No you`re not"
We argue the toss once more. He eventually puts the bottle away.
We`re not far from Accrington now. He continues with his under-the-breath insults & threats.
He says..."I`m gonna kick you`re f#####g windscreen though in a minute"
Me..."Why`s that?"
Him..."Cos you`re a c### & i don`t like you"
Me..."Can i ask you a question?"
Him..."What?"
Me..."Why are you being such an arse-hole?"
Him..."I`m not"
Me..."Really? I`d say you`ve been a complete nightmare since the moment you got in"
....He goes quiet for a moment, then says "I`m gonna kick you`re f#####g head in when i get out"
Me..."why`s that then?"
Him..."cos i don`t like you"
He continues his under-breath threats & insults as we drive into Accrington centre. I ask him where we are going. He says "keep going, it`s further up the road..."
Me..."where abouts?
Him..."Just keep going you f#####g fat c###"
Me..."No need for that"
Him..."drive on"
Suddenly i do a swift right turn...
Him..."where we going?"
Me..."a short-cut mate"
Him..."where to?"
Me..."just here"
I drive straight into the forecourt of Accrington Police station. There`s a couple of Police officers talking in the entrance of the building. I toot my horn loudly & drive right over to them. The gypsy hasn`t a clue what`s going on. I wind down my window & politely ask "Excuse me officers, could you possible help me get this idiot out of my car? He`s done nothing but threaten to kick my head in & damage my car since he got in" The officers open the passenger door & pull the guy out....
Him..."I haven`t done anything. I haven`t done anything!!"
Officer..."The guy wants you out"
Him..."but i haven`t done anything, honest!"
The officer asks if i to press charges. I say "No, i just want him out thanks"
Officer..."has he paid you?"
Me..."Yes, i`ve been paid, but the guy has been threatening to kick-off for the entire journey"
I thank the police officers for their assistance & they drag the drunken gypsy off. I can still hear him protesting his innocence to the officers. I stop on my way out of the police station & dump his plastic bag full of bottles & cans into a litter bin.
I press my 'CLEARED' button on my datahead & then press for my 'NEXT JOB'
Thursday 18 February 2010
A pilots tale
An elderly guy in his late eighties was telling me about some of his exploits during WW2. He was a pilot in the RAF. Not a fancy fighter or bomber pilot, just a cargo pilot. He flew several types of aircraft but ended up flying mainly C47 Dakotas. He`d carry cargo, troops & even prisoners all over the theatre of war. One story he told me was quite surprising to say the least. He was in the far east, they had loaded some cargo & were transporting a company of Gurkhas to a new destination. Just before they took off, he got instructions to squeeze a handful of Japanese POWs onto his plane. The Gurkhas didn`t like this one bit. They hated the Japs, but they were all boarded & the flight took off. Upon arrival, they discovered the Japanese POWs were not on the plane. Apparently the Gurkhas had taken exception to them & thrown all them out mid-flight.
I expressed my amazement & doubts on hearing this tale. The elderly gent told me a lot of nasty things happened on both sides during the war & assured me it happened. He said a statement was taken from the crew & that was the last he heard about it.
I expressed my amazement & doubts on hearing this tale. The elderly gent told me a lot of nasty things happened on both sides during the war & assured me it happened. He said a statement was taken from the crew & that was the last he heard about it.
Mans best friend
I picked up a couple of old ladies from the local crematorium the other day. They had been to pay their respects at a friends funeral. Whilst slowly driving through the park that led away from the crematorium i spied a man patiently waiting for his dog to finish taking a dump. The gent had a small plastic bag wrapped around his hand ready to pick up the freshly laid turd......not an uncommon site in local parks, BUT he was holding a sandwich in his other hand!!
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