The old ones are the best.....

I arrived outside the old dears bungalow. It was on one of those mini estates they build for the old folk. It was nice, quiet & tidy. She came hobbling out with her stick & struggled into the back passenger seats. I asked if she needed a lift.....she didn`t.
"Where we going to, love?" I asked chirpily (i like the old folk)
"I`m going to the hospital with me ears" she replied.
I couldn`t resist the punchline....
"Well, it`d be hard going there without them love!!" (drum roll!!)

Oh how we laughed...... :0)

Burkha babe......

I arrived at the address on my datahead. Two young asian women appeared at the door. One of them said her goodbyes & got in the car. The other went back inside. She was dressed very smart & came across as very westernised. We set off.
The woman started fumbling around in the back of the car & a minute or so later chirped up, asking me "Can you see my face?"
I looked in my mirror & was shocked to see a black-clad figure with just a pair of eyes looking at me. The woman had gotten changed into a burkha. She went on to tell me her husband would "kill her" if he saw her in public without the ninja garb on.I said i`d heard asian women wore the burkha by choice. She laughed & said "you don`t know my husband." She then asked me to stop at the end of her road & she`d walk the rest of the way, saying her husband would "kill her" if he saw her getting out of a "white taxi". The woman was in such a rush to get out of the car & not be seen, she handed me a £20 note & made a swift exit. The job was only about £4 at most.

God bless the NHS......

An elderly woman told me about her recent trip to America with her sister. They`d been to visit family over there. The womans sister started to feel unwell whilst in the states & had to spend 3 days in hospital. Luckily they had insurance to cover the hospital costs. Before they got discarged from hospital, they had to sign all the paperwork regarding the insurance claim. On the form was an itemised bill. It said:-

3 days in hospital = $25,000
1 course of antibiotics (12 pills) = $900

I`ll never call the NHS again.

wannabe WAGs

I picked up two wannabe WAGs one morning. They were heading home after a night at a premiership footballers 'pad' in South Manchester.

The conversation i overheard was quite staggering & i couldn`t believe the absolute emptiness & lack of morals these two leaches possessed. Without mentioning any names or teams, here`s an example of what i heard them chatting about.....

One of them is shagging two premier league footballers from two separate clubs in the north west. Neither player knows about the other.

The pad they`d just been to costs "3 grand a month to rent & he`s ONLY on £4000 a week. I found a wage packet whilst rooting one day" (the player was at training)

One of the girls said she`d shagged a few of the players - even a married one. She justified it by saying the players wife lived abroad, so it was her fault.

The whinged that they`d only been given £100 for the taxi-fare home. It was only £35...(I didn`t get a tip either!!)

One said if she didn`t get a designer handbag for her birthday, she`d leave him for the other player. She said she`d given him strict instructions to make it an expensive one. She then went on to say how wonderful it would be if he proposed to her. lol!

Honestly, it`s amazing what you hear sometimes.

(update) i`ve since heard the player with the £3000 a month pad has moved to a foreign club during the transfer window. I bet the poor girl broke her little heart when he told her he was moving on.....

wheep! wheep! wheep!.....mental alert!!!!

I pull up outside a house & toot my horn. A woman comes tootling out, down the path & into my car."Hello love" i said "....where we off to?"
She tolls me where she wants to go & we set off. It`s a beautifully sunny & warm March day. My passenger seems like a like-able happy-go-lucky kinda woman.

She asks the usual taxi questions:- "Have you been busy?" & "What time did you start?".....ala Peter Kay style :0)

Then she starts....

woman..."Are you married?"

Me..."No i`m not"

woman..."Why are men so against marriage?"

Me..."I`m not"

woman..."So why aren`t you married?"

Me..."My partner is still technically married to her ex."

woman..."I`ve been married to the bestest guy in the whole world for nine years.He`s the most wonderful man & i`m gonna be married to him for the rest of my life!"

Me..."I`m very happy for you" (wheep! wheep! The mental alarm is starting to ring) :-S

woman..."He loves me soooo much, he can`t even take his eyes off me when he`s driving"

me..."That`s nice" (wheep! wheep!)

woman..."He doesn`t live with me. He keeps telling me he`s got a girlfriend & a baby. I don`t believe him."

me..."where`s he living then?"

woman..."He lives over Blackpool way, but won`t tell me exactly where"

me...(i don`t blame him) I think to myself :0/

woman..."He says i`ve got to stop bothering him, but i know he loves me. I`m gonna spend the rest of my life with him & never ever let him go."

me..."oh, that`s nice love"

woman..."isn`t being in love brilliant?

me..."erm, yes it is love.

We arrive at our destination.

me..."that`s £5.50 please love"

she pays me & says "Thanks for being so understanding. I love him you know"

me..."i`m sure you do love. Thankyou bye bye....."

I bugger off sharpish!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> pheww!!