Everybody likes to have their own personal space. One day i picked up this huge lady who squeezed into the front passenger seat of my car. When i say huge, i mean truly MASSIVE!!! She must`ve been 25stone plus all day. Anyway, after much huffing & puffing she managed to get in the car.
Instead of assisting, i just sat there & watched in disbelief. The car creeked & groaned under the strain.
"Hello love. Where to?" i chirpily asked. She told me her destination & we were off.....or so i thought we were. The woman was so big, her hips or side of her bum was squashed up tight & even folding over my 'on' handbrake lever. I could hardly see it, nevermind access it. Not wanting to touch the woman i had to embarrassingly ask her to 'undo' the handbrake for me.....
Tuesday 28 September 2010
Christmas tips...
All taxi firms have their regular customers & the firm i work for is no different. Some of our regulars are seen as good customers or 'good payers' to be more precise. All the drivers know & like the good payers. Also, all the drivers know who the nice friendly characters are. There`s nothing like a good ol` chin-wag to brighten your day up.
On the flip side i`m sure all taxi firms have their regulars who aren`t as popular. Some are a bit tight, some grumpy, some awkward & some a bit smelly. Paul (name has been changed) falls into all four of these catagories!!!!
As soon as my datahead bleeps with the next job & Paul`s name pops up, i groan & cringe! Paul is an odd fellow, the sort who wears a fully zipped up snorkel coat in a heatwave. This coat has obviously never seen the inside of a washing machine either, as it totally stinks of stale sweat & god knows what else.
Paul uses taxis ALL the time. I once picked him up from the top of his road to drop him off outside his home 200yds away, but mostly his journey consists of his house to town or town to his house. This is almost a daily occurance & is almost exactly a 1 mile trip....our minimum fare of £2.80
When Paul gets in the car he always insists on having all the windows up & states his destination in an almost robotic style. Then there`s silence for the entire journey. He sits very upright & stiff and looks straight ahead, never moving. Upon arrival he speaks again in his mechanical style "two pound eighty" then hands over the exact money in dirty fluff coated coins (i`d hate to know where they`ve been)
This process happens almost every day .....home to town (an hour or so) then town to home.
Last year, just before christmas i had the absolute pleasure of picking Paul up from his usual collection point in town. The usual silent journey took place. Upon arrival i was taken aback when Paul got out & said "There you go, there`s three pounds there." dropping three shiny pound coins into my hand.
Wow, i thought. A christmas tip & a bit of festive spirit from the guy.
"Thankyou very much Paul" i said with a big smile "that`s very kind of you"
Paul just stood & stared at me.....then shouted "I WANT 20p CHANGE!!!"
The tight git!
On the flip side i`m sure all taxi firms have their regulars who aren`t as popular. Some are a bit tight, some grumpy, some awkward & some a bit smelly. Paul (name has been changed) falls into all four of these catagories!!!!
As soon as my datahead bleeps with the next job & Paul`s name pops up, i groan & cringe! Paul is an odd fellow, the sort who wears a fully zipped up snorkel coat in a heatwave. This coat has obviously never seen the inside of a washing machine either, as it totally stinks of stale sweat & god knows what else.
Paul uses taxis ALL the time. I once picked him up from the top of his road to drop him off outside his home 200yds away, but mostly his journey consists of his house to town or town to his house. This is almost a daily occurance & is almost exactly a 1 mile trip....our minimum fare of £2.80
When Paul gets in the car he always insists on having all the windows up & states his destination in an almost robotic style. Then there`s silence for the entire journey. He sits very upright & stiff and looks straight ahead, never moving. Upon arrival he speaks again in his mechanical style "two pound eighty" then hands over the exact money in dirty fluff coated coins (i`d hate to know where they`ve been)
This process happens almost every day .....home to town (an hour or so) then town to home.
Last year, just before christmas i had the absolute pleasure of picking Paul up from his usual collection point in town. The usual silent journey took place. Upon arrival i was taken aback when Paul got out & said "There you go, there`s three pounds there." dropping three shiny pound coins into my hand.
Wow, i thought. A christmas tip & a bit of festive spirit from the guy.
"Thankyou very much Paul" i said with a big smile "that`s very kind of you"
Paul just stood & stared at me.....then shouted "I WANT 20p CHANGE!!!"
The tight git!
Friday 24 September 2010
Four days to London....
I picked up a really interesting old bloke one day. He was in his late 90s & was sharp as a knife with his mind, but he could no longer walk or get about without a helper.
I`d picked him up from the old folks home he lived in. He had an appointment at Burnley General Hospital.
He said he didn`t get out much these days & was enjoying the run over to Burnley.
Along the way he told me about how he`d left school at 14 & went straight down the local coal mine. He didn`t like it much & a few years later was involved in a mine accident that had trapped both his legs, breaking them.
He went on to tell me the leg breaks had ended his mining career, but had set him in a new direction....he became an apprentice traction engine driver..... the sort you used to see on fair grounds & on Fred Dibnah-type tv programs. He said he loved the outdoor life & told me in the days before motorways & 'proper' lorries, it`d take four days to get to London & then another four day back.
.....& i whinged when it took me four hours to drive down there a few weeks ago!
I`d picked him up from the old folks home he lived in. He had an appointment at Burnley General Hospital.
He said he didn`t get out much these days & was enjoying the run over to Burnley.
Along the way he told me about how he`d left school at 14 & went straight down the local coal mine. He didn`t like it much & a few years later was involved in a mine accident that had trapped both his legs, breaking them.
He went on to tell me the leg breaks had ended his mining career, but had set him in a new direction....he became an apprentice traction engine driver..... the sort you used to see on fair grounds & on Fred Dibnah-type tv programs. He said he loved the outdoor life & told me in the days before motorways & 'proper' lorries, it`d take four days to get to London & then another four day back.
.....& i whinged when it took me four hours to drive down there a few weeks ago!
I`m 93 you know.....
There`s a lovely old dear i pick up quite often. I take her to the hair dressers, shopping, to the bank & for medical appointments (doctors, eyes, ears, feet etc...)
She is a wonderfully posh old lady who revels in the glory of telling everybody who`ll listen, she`s "93 you know".
When i say she`s lovely, i mean she is lovely in a 'hard work' kind of way. She brings doddering to a new level & can be quite a test to your patience.
One day i picked her up, or rather collected her. It took me nearly five minutes to walk her from her door, up the short garden path to the waiting car.
"You`ll have to hold my arm & help me. I`m 93 you know" she pointed out to me in her shaky but very well spoken voice.
Another 5 minutes later, i had her seat-belted into the car. We were ready to roll.
I asked where she wanted to go today. She told me a visit to the bank & then the opticians. So off we went.
Upon arrival at the Barclays bank in town, i managed to get the single parking space outside. It took me a couple of minutes to get her out of the car & then another minute or so to walk her the fifteen feet to the bank. It was busy inside the bank. All three of the manned points were queued at least five deep. She walked straight to the front of the nearest queue, saying "I`m 93 you know" & then demanded to speak to the manager. One of the bank staff came around the side of the counter & we led the old dear to an available desk. "Can i help you madame?" He asked.
"Yes" she said "....I`m Mrs ##### (i`ll not mention the name) & i wish to make a deposit"
The guy looked at me. I looked at him & shrugged my shoulders in an 'i`m only the driver' kind of way.
"Err, ok madame. We can do that for you. How much do you wish to put in your account?" he asked.
"ten pounds." she handed an envelope over with the money in. "i`m 93 you know"
Five minutes later, the bank guy & myself were walking her out of the bank & back to my car. On our way out i saw a female traffic warden hovering around my car.
"I`m sorry about this love" i said "I didn`t realise i was going to be this long"
"You can`t park here" she said.
"I know & i`m terribly sorry, but i`ve got this elderly lady who cannot walk far & she had a bank appointment"
"That`s not my problem" was the response i got form the warden. She was about to write a ticket out.
By this time, the old dear & the bank guy had arrived at the car.
"What`s all this?" asked the elderly lady.
"I`m getting booked for parking here" i explained.
She turned to look at the female traffic warden & blasted her. "Now look here! I am 93 you know! & i cannot walk very far. Now you stop what you`re doing this instant & leave us be!" To my amazement the traffic warden, not wanting an altercation with a 93 year old woman backed off & told me to "be as quick as possible".
Next stop was the opticians in Morrisons. Another 5 minutes of getting out of the car & extemely slow walking into the store & finally into the opticians.
"Hello. Can i help you?" asked the young girl at the counter.
"I wish to speak to the manager" said the old dear. "...i`m 93 you know"
Again the assistant looked over to me for guidance. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn`t know what she`d come in for.
"Ok. I`ll go & see if he`s available" said the assistant.
Two minutes later the girl appeared with the shop manager. He introduced himself & asked how he could be of assistance. "I`m Mrs ###### & i`m 93 you know. Do you have a card?" The guy looked puzzled & glanced over to me. I said "I`m only the driver"
"A card?" he asked her.
"Yes. Do you have a card?"
"What sort of card do you mean madame?" he asked.
"A card with your number on"
"number?" He asked.
"Yes. So i can ring you to make an appointment"
"Oh...." he said with a tinge of relief "Do you wish to make an appointment?"
"No! I wish to have a card with your number on, so i can make an appointment!" She rattled back at him with more than a hint of annoyance.
"I like to use my telephone" said explained "I`m 93 you know"
Eventually, the old dear got her card & all three of us helped her out of the shop & back to the car. It was a five minute journey back to the old dear`s home & another five minutes helping her out & walking her down the short path to her door. I got about three more "I`m 93`s" during that short period of time too.
All in all, i`d driven, fetched & carried for nearly an hour & half & felt mentally exhausted. The lady paid me & said she`d require another taxi later in the week.
Do you know what? I can`t bloody wait til she`s 94!!!
She is a wonderfully posh old lady who revels in the glory of telling everybody who`ll listen, she`s "93 you know".
When i say she`s lovely, i mean she is lovely in a 'hard work' kind of way. She brings doddering to a new level & can be quite a test to your patience.
One day i picked her up, or rather collected her. It took me nearly five minutes to walk her from her door, up the short garden path to the waiting car.
"You`ll have to hold my arm & help me. I`m 93 you know" she pointed out to me in her shaky but very well spoken voice.
Another 5 minutes later, i had her seat-belted into the car. We were ready to roll.
I asked where she wanted to go today. She told me a visit to the bank & then the opticians. So off we went.
Upon arrival at the Barclays bank in town, i managed to get the single parking space outside. It took me a couple of minutes to get her out of the car & then another minute or so to walk her the fifteen feet to the bank. It was busy inside the bank. All three of the manned points were queued at least five deep. She walked straight to the front of the nearest queue, saying "I`m 93 you know" & then demanded to speak to the manager. One of the bank staff came around the side of the counter & we led the old dear to an available desk. "Can i help you madame?" He asked.
"Yes" she said "....I`m Mrs ##### (i`ll not mention the name) & i wish to make a deposit"
The guy looked at me. I looked at him & shrugged my shoulders in an 'i`m only the driver' kind of way.
"Err, ok madame. We can do that for you. How much do you wish to put in your account?" he asked.
"ten pounds." she handed an envelope over with the money in. "i`m 93 you know"
Five minutes later, the bank guy & myself were walking her out of the bank & back to my car. On our way out i saw a female traffic warden hovering around my car.
"I`m sorry about this love" i said "I didn`t realise i was going to be this long"
"You can`t park here" she said.
"I know & i`m terribly sorry, but i`ve got this elderly lady who cannot walk far & she had a bank appointment"
"That`s not my problem" was the response i got form the warden. She was about to write a ticket out.
By this time, the old dear & the bank guy had arrived at the car.
"What`s all this?" asked the elderly lady.
"I`m getting booked for parking here" i explained.
She turned to look at the female traffic warden & blasted her. "Now look here! I am 93 you know! & i cannot walk very far. Now you stop what you`re doing this instant & leave us be!" To my amazement the traffic warden, not wanting an altercation with a 93 year old woman backed off & told me to "be as quick as possible".
Next stop was the opticians in Morrisons. Another 5 minutes of getting out of the car & extemely slow walking into the store & finally into the opticians.
"Hello. Can i help you?" asked the young girl at the counter.
"I wish to speak to the manager" said the old dear. "...i`m 93 you know"
Again the assistant looked over to me for guidance. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn`t know what she`d come in for.
"Ok. I`ll go & see if he`s available" said the assistant.
Two minutes later the girl appeared with the shop manager. He introduced himself & asked how he could be of assistance. "I`m Mrs ###### & i`m 93 you know. Do you have a card?" The guy looked puzzled & glanced over to me. I said "I`m only the driver"
"A card?" he asked her.
"Yes. Do you have a card?"
"What sort of card do you mean madame?" he asked.
"A card with your number on"
"number?" He asked.
"Yes. So i can ring you to make an appointment"
"Oh...." he said with a tinge of relief "Do you wish to make an appointment?"
"No! I wish to have a card with your number on, so i can make an appointment!" She rattled back at him with more than a hint of annoyance.
"I like to use my telephone" said explained "I`m 93 you know"
Eventually, the old dear got her card & all three of us helped her out of the shop & back to the car. It was a five minute journey back to the old dear`s home & another five minutes helping her out & walking her down the short path to her door. I got about three more "I`m 93`s" during that short period of time too.
All in all, i`d driven, fetched & carried for nearly an hour & half & felt mentally exhausted. The lady paid me & said she`d require another taxi later in the week.
Do you know what? I can`t bloody wait til she`s 94!!!
Thursday 23 September 2010
The love of a mother.....
I pulled up outside the house on the Shadsworth estate & tooted my horn. Two small children were playing about in the front garden. The front door opened & two slightly 'skanky' looking young women came out. One had a folded down pushchair, the other holding a young baby.
I wound the window down & said "Sorry love, i can only take 4 people in my taxi"
"You wot?" she asked.
"I`m only licensed to carry 4 people in my car"
"But there`s only four of us" she said.
I pointed out that two women, two kids & a baby was five people.
"But it`s only a f#####g baby!" she said.
"Sorry love. I don`t make the rules. If i get caught with more than four passengers in my car, i`ll lose my license. I can`t take you"
"You`re `avin a laff are you?" she said.
"Sorry love, i`m serious. Do you want me to order you a bigger car?"
"Will that cost more?" she asked.
"Yes, they do cost more, but they can take six passengers." i informed her.
"I`m not f#####g paying more" she angrily said. "...what if i put the baby in the pram & then in the boot?"
I was astounded & taken a-back by the shear motherly instinct of this teen-skank-mum. I said "Sorry love, no-can-do. Do you want me to order a bigger car?"
"No f##k that...." she said "I`ll ring the pakis. They`ll take us"
I drove off shaking my head
Warms the cockles of your heart doesn`t it ;0)
I wound the window down & said "Sorry love, i can only take 4 people in my taxi"
"You wot?" she asked.
"I`m only licensed to carry 4 people in my car"
"But there`s only four of us" she said.
I pointed out that two women, two kids & a baby was five people.
"But it`s only a f#####g baby!" she said.
"Sorry love. I don`t make the rules. If i get caught with more than four passengers in my car, i`ll lose my license. I can`t take you"
"You`re `avin a laff are you?" she said.
"Sorry love, i`m serious. Do you want me to order you a bigger car?"
"Will that cost more?" she asked.
"Yes, they do cost more, but they can take six passengers." i informed her.
"I`m not f#####g paying more" she angrily said. "...what if i put the baby in the pram & then in the boot?"
I was astounded & taken a-back by the shear motherly instinct of this teen-skank-mum. I said "Sorry love, no-can-do. Do you want me to order a bigger car?"
"No f##k that...." she said "I`ll ring the pakis. They`ll take us"
I drove off shaking my head
Warms the cockles of your heart doesn`t it ;0)
New years eve 2009.....pt2
Yet another collection from a house party, this time in Darwen & it`s between 2 and 3am. It`s another family, mum, dad & two kids (girls) They all say their goodnights & jump into the car.....& we`re off. We`re going back to Blackburn & everybody seems to have had a good time. The kids are tired & the dad is chatting away to me, asking abvout my night & if i`d been busy....etc, etc.
We pulled on to the nice housing estate where they lived. The bloke asked his wife for the keys as we approached the house. I could hear her fumbling around in her bag. She then asked her husband "Have you not got the keys love?"
"No, you`ve got them" was his reply.
"Are you sure? She said "I can`t see them in here & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
"I definitely gave them to you love" He said.
she rummaged around in her bag again for a while & said "Nope, they`re not here"
The bloke let out big slightly impatient & angry sigh & said "I gave you the keys! You have them!"
One of the kids chirped up, saying "I saw some keys on the table in the house that looked like yours"
The bloke was bubbling with anger. "Look! We`re home now & we`ve got no keys to get in!"
His wife said "well i`ve not got them & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
They argued for a couple of minutes before the bloke got his phone out & rang the people at the house they`d just come from. It rang for ages before he got an answer. The people he`d phoned had locked up & gone to bed. They said they`d look for the keys & ring him back. Meanwhile (with my clock still ticking...it`s double-time on new years eve) we turned around & went back to Darwen to get the keys.
His friend phoned back to say they couldn`t find the keys, but they`d try & re-trace their movements over the night. When we finally arrived back at the first house, the husband got out & went in. Not long after we could see torch lights in the back garden & then the front lawn. The house had been turned upside-down in search of the keys. The mum & kids sat in the back of the car watching the action outside. The mum had another rummage in her handbag, to make it look like she was doing something useful. Suddenly i heard a metallic jangling noise. One of the kids said "Arrhhh" & the mum said "Oh shit" quietly. I turned to look at her. Her face was a picture. The keys had been in her bag all along. "He`s gonna go mental" she said.
Meekly she opened the car window & called to him. He said "not now love, i`m busy."
Without saying a word she jangled the keys out of the window with an 'oops i did it again' look on her face. The search party in the front garden stopped & looked over. The husband & his mate just stared at her, whilst the other bloke`s wife let out an awkward laugh. You could cut the tension with a knife!
The husband apologised to his mate for waking them whole house up & got back in the car. She tried to say something, but he cut her dead. We drove back to their house in complete silence. Upon arrival, the bloke paid the extremely expensive fare & apologised to me for being 'pissed about'. I said it was ok. The wife & kids had got out & gone in the house. He said "If you hear about anybody getting murdered tonight, you`ll know why."
I laughed & said "You`ll all be laughing about this tomorrow"
His final words were "I don`t f#####g think so pal"
I pressed 'CLEAR' on my datahead & drove off.
Phewww, i don`t want to be in her shoes....i thought to myself.
We pulled on to the nice housing estate where they lived. The bloke asked his wife for the keys as we approached the house. I could hear her fumbling around in her bag. She then asked her husband "Have you not got the keys love?"
"No, you`ve got them" was his reply.
"Are you sure? She said "I can`t see them in here & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
"I definitely gave them to you love" He said.
she rummaged around in her bag again for a while & said "Nope, they`re not here"
The bloke let out big slightly impatient & angry sigh & said "I gave you the keys! You have them!"
One of the kids chirped up, saying "I saw some keys on the table in the house that looked like yours"
The bloke was bubbling with anger. "Look! We`re home now & we`ve got no keys to get in!"
His wife said "well i`ve not got them & i can`t remember you giving them to me"
They argued for a couple of minutes before the bloke got his phone out & rang the people at the house they`d just come from. It rang for ages before he got an answer. The people he`d phoned had locked up & gone to bed. They said they`d look for the keys & ring him back. Meanwhile (with my clock still ticking...it`s double-time on new years eve) we turned around & went back to Darwen to get the keys.
His friend phoned back to say they couldn`t find the keys, but they`d try & re-trace their movements over the night. When we finally arrived back at the first house, the husband got out & went in. Not long after we could see torch lights in the back garden & then the front lawn. The house had been turned upside-down in search of the keys. The mum & kids sat in the back of the car watching the action outside. The mum had another rummage in her handbag, to make it look like she was doing something useful. Suddenly i heard a metallic jangling noise. One of the kids said "Arrhhh" & the mum said "Oh shit" quietly. I turned to look at her. Her face was a picture. The keys had been in her bag all along. "He`s gonna go mental" she said.
Meekly she opened the car window & called to him. He said "not now love, i`m busy."
Without saying a word she jangled the keys out of the window with an 'oops i did it again' look on her face. The search party in the front garden stopped & looked over. The husband & his mate just stared at her, whilst the other bloke`s wife let out an awkward laugh. You could cut the tension with a knife!
The husband apologised to his mate for waking them whole house up & got back in the car. She tried to say something, but he cut her dead. We drove back to their house in complete silence. Upon arrival, the bloke paid the extremely expensive fare & apologised to me for being 'pissed about'. I said it was ok. The wife & kids had got out & gone in the house. He said "If you hear about anybody getting murdered tonight, you`ll know why."
I laughed & said "You`ll all be laughing about this tomorrow"
His final words were "I don`t f#####g think so pal"
I pressed 'CLEAR' on my datahead & drove off.
Phewww, i don`t want to be in her shoes....i thought to myself.
New years eve 2009.....pt1
I pull up outside the lovely stone cottage set back from the main road. It`s about 1.30am & people are heading off home after the nights festivities. I wasn`t meant to be working but my car had been in the garage the week before christmas & funds were low. My boss had promised me working new years eve would be well worth it financially. Another reason to work the evening was because my better half had been called into work, because one of her staff had phoned in sick at the last minute. Strange that eh?
Our plans had been scuppered.
There was still a party going on in the beautiful stone cottage & sounds of merry conversation wafted out the open front door. A very elegant woman appeared at the door & waved to tell me they were on their way out. Shortly the woman came out with two children, a boy & a younger tired looking sister & got in the back of the car. She said "There`s one more yet" she said "....& can i apologise now?"
"What for love?" i quizzed.
"Him!" she said pointing at the figure just coming out the front door now.
Staggering out the frront door was a man who can only be described as a paraletic Mr Bean-type character. Loudly waving & swaying & shouting his goodbyes to everybody in the cottage (& street) He looked like he`d just been woken up after a bit of a 'sleep off' time. The elegant woman seethed under her breath "Look at him! He`s ruined the whole night for everyone"
The bloke staggered into the front passenger seat, took a double-take look at me & said "Ow-doo Abdul" I just smiled & asked the woman if we were ok to go. She said yes.
As we drove down the road, the pissed up bloke kept turning to look at one of the kids & saying something. The woman suddenly erupted...."FOR GOD`S SAKE BRIAN!! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!! YOU`VE BEEN AT HER ALL NIGHT!!!CAN`T YOU SEE SHE`S FRIGHTENED!!!"
He said something like "easy tiger" to her, then looked at me & said "women eh?".
Finally we arrived outside their home. The bloke, trying to be a clever arse said "She`s paying" & tried to jump out....leaving his wife to pay. As he jumped out, he tried to push the passenger door closed, but his momentum (& drunkeness) made him stagger backwards. He missed the door with his flailing hand & slowly as if in slow-motion, staggered backwards falling the entire width of the road. His fall culminated with him tripping over the opposite curb & him careering over backwards into a neighbours garden. It was an absolute comedy classic!! The bloke was out cold in a neighbours garden. One of the kids said something & the elegant mother shouted "In the house kids. Leave him there!" She was mortified & totally embarrassed by her husbands antics. She paid me & apologised, saying "i bet you get this all the time?"
I smiled & said "No love. He`s the only one"
The woman got out & went in the house, leaving her flat out husband on the lawn opposite. I drove off with tears rolling down my cheeks......
Our plans had been scuppered.
There was still a party going on in the beautiful stone cottage & sounds of merry conversation wafted out the open front door. A very elegant woman appeared at the door & waved to tell me they were on their way out. Shortly the woman came out with two children, a boy & a younger tired looking sister & got in the back of the car. She said "There`s one more yet" she said "....& can i apologise now?"
"What for love?" i quizzed.
"Him!" she said pointing at the figure just coming out the front door now.
Staggering out the frront door was a man who can only be described as a paraletic Mr Bean-type character. Loudly waving & swaying & shouting his goodbyes to everybody in the cottage (& street) He looked like he`d just been woken up after a bit of a 'sleep off' time. The elegant woman seethed under her breath "Look at him! He`s ruined the whole night for everyone"
The bloke staggered into the front passenger seat, took a double-take look at me & said "Ow-doo Abdul" I just smiled & asked the woman if we were ok to go. She said yes.
As we drove down the road, the pissed up bloke kept turning to look at one of the kids & saying something. The woman suddenly erupted...."FOR GOD`S SAKE BRIAN!! JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!! YOU`VE BEEN AT HER ALL NIGHT!!!CAN`T YOU SEE SHE`S FRIGHTENED!!!"
He said something like "easy tiger" to her, then looked at me & said "women eh?".
Finally we arrived outside their home. The bloke, trying to be a clever arse said "She`s paying" & tried to jump out....leaving his wife to pay. As he jumped out, he tried to push the passenger door closed, but his momentum (& drunkeness) made him stagger backwards. He missed the door with his flailing hand & slowly as if in slow-motion, staggered backwards falling the entire width of the road. His fall culminated with him tripping over the opposite curb & him careering over backwards into a neighbours garden. It was an absolute comedy classic!! The bloke was out cold in a neighbours garden. One of the kids said something & the elegant mother shouted "In the house kids. Leave him there!" She was mortified & totally embarrassed by her husbands antics. She paid me & apologised, saying "i bet you get this all the time?"
I smiled & said "No love. He`s the only one"
The woman got out & went in the house, leaving her flat out husband on the lawn opposite. I drove off with tears rolling down my cheeks......
It was there when we got in.....
I pulled up outside the county court entrance of the shopping precinct & my passengers got in. Both sat in the back of the car & we set off. Probably a minute into the journey i got wafted with a rather ripe smell, so i tactfully opened the windows slightly. (It`s amazing how many people honk & don`t realise it)
My passengers were a 'special' needs lady & her helper/socialworker.
By the time we`d reached our destination the smell was quite pungent to say the least & the windows were nearly fully open. The special person got out the car & went inside the house as her helper paid me. She asked for a receipt with her change, so i wrote one out.
As i turned to hand the receipt to the woman i noticed a rather large brown smear right across one of the seats. I pointed to it & asked "what`s that love?"
The woman looked at it & said "Oh it was there when we got in"
I DON`T BLOODY THINK SO!!!!!
"I hope that`s not what i think it is?" i said.
The woman just looked at it & said "i don`t know what it is"
"Can you not smell it love?" i said "That`s crap & it wasn`t there before!"
The woman said she`d go in the house & check the other woman. She came out a minute or so later & said "Yes, sorry....she`s had an accident"
"Well, i can`t drive around with that in my car" i said, pointing to the shit smear.
"i`m going to have to get the car valetted now & you`re gonna have to pay for it."
The woman looked at me as if i was being unfair!!
"would you get into a car with a turd on the seat love?" i asked.
"err, no" she replied.
She went back into the house & her boss came out to have a look. They apologised & told me to get the car cleaned & present them with a bill. So i did. I dropped the car off at a valet place & knocked off for the afternoon.
The next day i presented them with a bill for the valet & another bill for my lost earnings. They settled up with me & promised it wouldn`t happen again.
My passengers were a 'special' needs lady & her helper/socialworker.
By the time we`d reached our destination the smell was quite pungent to say the least & the windows were nearly fully open. The special person got out the car & went inside the house as her helper paid me. She asked for a receipt with her change, so i wrote one out.
As i turned to hand the receipt to the woman i noticed a rather large brown smear right across one of the seats. I pointed to it & asked "what`s that love?"
The woman looked at it & said "Oh it was there when we got in"
I DON`T BLOODY THINK SO!!!!!
"I hope that`s not what i think it is?" i said.
The woman just looked at it & said "i don`t know what it is"
"Can you not smell it love?" i said "That`s crap & it wasn`t there before!"
The woman said she`d go in the house & check the other woman. She came out a minute or so later & said "Yes, sorry....she`s had an accident"
"Well, i can`t drive around with that in my car" i said, pointing to the shit smear.
"i`m going to have to get the car valetted now & you`re gonna have to pay for it."
The woman looked at me as if i was being unfair!!
"would you get into a car with a turd on the seat love?" i asked.
"err, no" she replied.
She went back into the house & her boss came out to have a look. They apologised & told me to get the car cleaned & present them with a bill. So i did. I dropped the car off at a valet place & knocked off for the afternoon.
The next day i presented them with a bill for the valet & another bill for my lost earnings. They settled up with me & promised it wouldn`t happen again.
Sixth sense.....
As soon as the young girl got into the rear passenger seat of the car, call it a sixth sense or an instinct but i knew something wasn`t right.
My mum once told me to always go by my instincts "they`re there for a reason" she`d say.
The girl was only about 14, plain looking & quiet.
"where to love?" i asked.
"Fishmoor Drive" she replied. So off we tootled.
Something was bugging me, i didn`t know what but it didn`t feel right.
Soon we arrived up the Fishmoor area of town. "where abouts love?" i asked again.
"Those houses there on the right" she said.
I was prepared for a 'jumper'.....someone who runs off without paying.
I stopped & said "that`s five pounds please love"
She nervously said "err, i`ll have to get some money off my mum"
I gave her a knowing look & said "I`m watching you" & undid my seatbelt ready for the chase. She got out & went to the door of the house. She knocked, waited & then went inside when somebody opened the door. I still thought something wasn`t right, so kept close watch for anything suspicious.
A few minutes passed & nothing happened. She didn`t re-appear with the taxi fare. So i got out & went over to the door & knocked....nothing. I knocked about 3 times but still heard nothing. The house was a gable end council house, so i went round the front & banged on that door.......nothing.
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.....I EFFING KNEW IT!!!
The house itself was a shit-hole. You know the sort, matress thrown into the overgrown garden, smashed up fence, stereotypical broken rusty fridge & token selotaped up broken window. I went back to my car & reported the 'runner' to base.
Just as i was about to pull away, i spotted two hi-viz cladded beat coppers waaaay up the top of Fishmoor Drive. I drove up to them & told them what had just happened. They jumped in the car & i took them to the offending house. They tried to make themsleves heard, but got as much luck as i had. One of the coppers then asked me for my phone number & explained that he knew the 'family' in the house & would try & catch up with the girl in future. I gave him my number & left it at that.
Nearly a month later, i got a call form the policeman who said "I`ve got some money for you" & could i arrange a meeting with him & the young girl, so she could apologise & pay me. I agreed & we met up the next day.
I met the copper outside the girls sisters house & we went inside. She was sat there like a chavvy little scrote, rolling her eyes & looking totally 'not bovvered' ala Vicky Pollard style. The policeman gave her a rollicking & she handed over a letter of apology to me. The writing was atrocious & written in text speak "Sorry 4 not paying u & runnin away etc...." When asked why she did it, she shrugged her shoulders & said "don`t know". The copper read the letter & said he was impressed with her attempt. She smirked & said "me sister wrote it. I can`t write nor nuffin"
The girl handed over the fiver she owed & the copper & myself left. I thanked him for getting my money & putting the time in to help. He said it was ok & explained he knew the family, they were all rough as hell & the girl probably had no chance in life cos her family didn`t give a shit.
I thanked him again & we went on our separate ways.
I learned one thing from this story.....LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!! My mum was right! ;0)
My mum once told me to always go by my instincts "they`re there for a reason" she`d say.
The girl was only about 14, plain looking & quiet.
"where to love?" i asked.
"Fishmoor Drive" she replied. So off we tootled.
Something was bugging me, i didn`t know what but it didn`t feel right.
Soon we arrived up the Fishmoor area of town. "where abouts love?" i asked again.
"Those houses there on the right" she said.
I was prepared for a 'jumper'.....someone who runs off without paying.
I stopped & said "that`s five pounds please love"
She nervously said "err, i`ll have to get some money off my mum"
I gave her a knowing look & said "I`m watching you" & undid my seatbelt ready for the chase. She got out & went to the door of the house. She knocked, waited & then went inside when somebody opened the door. I still thought something wasn`t right, so kept close watch for anything suspicious.
A few minutes passed & nothing happened. She didn`t re-appear with the taxi fare. So i got out & went over to the door & knocked....nothing. I knocked about 3 times but still heard nothing. The house was a gable end council house, so i went round the front & banged on that door.......nothing.
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP.....I EFFING KNEW IT!!!
The house itself was a shit-hole. You know the sort, matress thrown into the overgrown garden, smashed up fence, stereotypical broken rusty fridge & token selotaped up broken window. I went back to my car & reported the 'runner' to base.
Just as i was about to pull away, i spotted two hi-viz cladded beat coppers waaaay up the top of Fishmoor Drive. I drove up to them & told them what had just happened. They jumped in the car & i took them to the offending house. They tried to make themsleves heard, but got as much luck as i had. One of the coppers then asked me for my phone number & explained that he knew the 'family' in the house & would try & catch up with the girl in future. I gave him my number & left it at that.
Nearly a month later, i got a call form the policeman who said "I`ve got some money for you" & could i arrange a meeting with him & the young girl, so she could apologise & pay me. I agreed & we met up the next day.
I met the copper outside the girls sisters house & we went inside. She was sat there like a chavvy little scrote, rolling her eyes & looking totally 'not bovvered' ala Vicky Pollard style. The policeman gave her a rollicking & she handed over a letter of apology to me. The writing was atrocious & written in text speak "Sorry 4 not paying u & runnin away etc...." When asked why she did it, she shrugged her shoulders & said "don`t know". The copper read the letter & said he was impressed with her attempt. She smirked & said "me sister wrote it. I can`t write nor nuffin"
The girl handed over the fiver she owed & the copper & myself left. I thanked him for getting my money & putting the time in to help. He said it was ok & explained he knew the family, they were all rough as hell & the girl probably had no chance in life cos her family didn`t give a shit.
I thanked him again & we went on our separate ways.
I learned one thing from this story.....LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!!! My mum was right! ;0)
Keeping a straight face....
The job came through to my datahead. I had to pick an old dear up from a local nursing home. When i arrived, i tooted my horn & the lady came to the door. She was what they call around these parts a 'bumper'. Only small in height but probably the same in width. She hobbled/trundled down the path towards the car.
She opened the front passenger door & hesitated a moment while she thought about how she was going to handle this awkward proceedure.
Most 'oldies' get into taxis 'bum first'. They tend to position themselves in the doorway then sort of fall back onto the seat, then they swing their feet round & they`re in. Anyway, this lady decided to hold the doorframe with one hand & the door with the other then swing her closest leg into the footwell in a ballet-esque fashion. She took about 3 swings with her leg, each one slightly bigger than the last. When she had built up enough momentum, she went for it........& let out the BIGGEST fart you have ever heard!!!!
I had to bite my lip & try my best not to piss myself laughing.
The woman was totally embarrassed & a bit quiet....& i was trying to hold myself together.
Luckily for me, it wasn`t a long journey. The lady paid me & made as hasty an exit as she could. I thanked her & drove away literally crying with laughter!!!! :0)
She opened the front passenger door & hesitated a moment while she thought about how she was going to handle this awkward proceedure.
Most 'oldies' get into taxis 'bum first'. They tend to position themselves in the doorway then sort of fall back onto the seat, then they swing their feet round & they`re in. Anyway, this lady decided to hold the doorframe with one hand & the door with the other then swing her closest leg into the footwell in a ballet-esque fashion. She took about 3 swings with her leg, each one slightly bigger than the last. When she had built up enough momentum, she went for it........& let out the BIGGEST fart you have ever heard!!!!
I had to bite my lip & try my best not to piss myself laughing.
The woman was totally embarrassed & a bit quiet....& i was trying to hold myself together.
Luckily for me, it wasn`t a long journey. The lady paid me & made as hasty an exit as she could. I thanked her & drove away literally crying with laughter!!!! :0)
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