I pull into the cul-de-sac & toot my horn. Shortly the woman comes out & gets in.
"Hello love" i say "where we off to?" i chirpily ask.
"Oh, err....i don`t know what it`s called.Turn right at the end & head off towards town" she says.
I do as she asks....
Then comes the best question i`ve had all day.
"How much is it gonna cost?" she asks.
I DON`T KNOW, COS YOU`VE NOT TOLD ME WHERE YOU`RE EFFING GOING YOU STUPID COW!!!....i think to myself.
some people eh!
Thursday 11 November 2010
Have you ever seen one of these?......
I pull up outside the local library & the guy gets in. He sits in the front passenger seat next to me & he`s holding a ream of loose A4 sized paper. He tells me where he`s going & we tootle off.
Not far into our journey he shows me one the pieces of paper he`s holding. It`s a printed off photograph of an old 70s-style blue & cream ford transit ice-cream van.
"Have you ever seen one of these?" he asks.
"One of what?" I ask.
"One of these blue ice-cream vans!" he says.
"err, no. I`ve not seen one like that" i say in a puzzled way.
"Well you won`t, cos I`M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO!!!" he shouts excitedly.
"Oh...." i say.
He then flicks through the ream of photocopies, showing me what must be 50+ copies of the same picture. He looked very pleased with himself.
I am baffled & a bit worried & want the journey to end quickly.....
Not far into our journey he shows me one the pieces of paper he`s holding. It`s a printed off photograph of an old 70s-style blue & cream ford transit ice-cream van.
"Have you ever seen one of these?" he asks.
"One of what?" I ask.
"One of these blue ice-cream vans!" he says.
"err, no. I`ve not seen one like that" i say in a puzzled way.
"Well you won`t, cos I`M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO!!!" he shouts excitedly.
"Oh...." i say.
He then flicks through the ream of photocopies, showing me what must be 50+ copies of the same picture. He looked very pleased with himself.
I am baffled & a bit worried & want the journey to end quickly.....
Tuesday 28 September 2010
Can i have my handbrake back missus?....
Everybody likes to have their own personal space. One day i picked up this huge lady who squeezed into the front passenger seat of my car. When i say huge, i mean truly MASSIVE!!! She must`ve been 25stone plus all day. Anyway, after much huffing & puffing she managed to get in the car.
Instead of assisting, i just sat there & watched in disbelief. The car creeked & groaned under the strain.
"Hello love. Where to?" i chirpily asked. She told me her destination & we were off.....or so i thought we were. The woman was so big, her hips or side of her bum was squashed up tight & even folding over my 'on' handbrake lever. I could hardly see it, nevermind access it. Not wanting to touch the woman i had to embarrassingly ask her to 'undo' the handbrake for me.....
Instead of assisting, i just sat there & watched in disbelief. The car creeked & groaned under the strain.
"Hello love. Where to?" i chirpily asked. She told me her destination & we were off.....or so i thought we were. The woman was so big, her hips or side of her bum was squashed up tight & even folding over my 'on' handbrake lever. I could hardly see it, nevermind access it. Not wanting to touch the woman i had to embarrassingly ask her to 'undo' the handbrake for me.....
Christmas tips...
All taxi firms have their regular customers & the firm i work for is no different. Some of our regulars are seen as good customers or 'good payers' to be more precise. All the drivers know & like the good payers. Also, all the drivers know who the nice friendly characters are. There`s nothing like a good ol` chin-wag to brighten your day up.
On the flip side i`m sure all taxi firms have their regulars who aren`t as popular. Some are a bit tight, some grumpy, some awkward & some a bit smelly. Paul (name has been changed) falls into all four of these catagories!!!!
As soon as my datahead bleeps with the next job & Paul`s name pops up, i groan & cringe! Paul is an odd fellow, the sort who wears a fully zipped up snorkel coat in a heatwave. This coat has obviously never seen the inside of a washing machine either, as it totally stinks of stale sweat & god knows what else.
Paul uses taxis ALL the time. I once picked him up from the top of his road to drop him off outside his home 200yds away, but mostly his journey consists of his house to town or town to his house. This is almost a daily occurance & is almost exactly a 1 mile trip....our minimum fare of £2.80
When Paul gets in the car he always insists on having all the windows up & states his destination in an almost robotic style. Then there`s silence for the entire journey. He sits very upright & stiff and looks straight ahead, never moving. Upon arrival he speaks again in his mechanical style "two pound eighty" then hands over the exact money in dirty fluff coated coins (i`d hate to know where they`ve been)
This process happens almost every day .....home to town (an hour or so) then town to home.
Last year, just before christmas i had the absolute pleasure of picking Paul up from his usual collection point in town. The usual silent journey took place. Upon arrival i was taken aback when Paul got out & said "There you go, there`s three pounds there." dropping three shiny pound coins into my hand.
Wow, i thought. A christmas tip & a bit of festive spirit from the guy.
"Thankyou very much Paul" i said with a big smile "that`s very kind of you"
Paul just stood & stared at me.....then shouted "I WANT 20p CHANGE!!!"
The tight git!
On the flip side i`m sure all taxi firms have their regulars who aren`t as popular. Some are a bit tight, some grumpy, some awkward & some a bit smelly. Paul (name has been changed) falls into all four of these catagories!!!!
As soon as my datahead bleeps with the next job & Paul`s name pops up, i groan & cringe! Paul is an odd fellow, the sort who wears a fully zipped up snorkel coat in a heatwave. This coat has obviously never seen the inside of a washing machine either, as it totally stinks of stale sweat & god knows what else.
Paul uses taxis ALL the time. I once picked him up from the top of his road to drop him off outside his home 200yds away, but mostly his journey consists of his house to town or town to his house. This is almost a daily occurance & is almost exactly a 1 mile trip....our minimum fare of £2.80
When Paul gets in the car he always insists on having all the windows up & states his destination in an almost robotic style. Then there`s silence for the entire journey. He sits very upright & stiff and looks straight ahead, never moving. Upon arrival he speaks again in his mechanical style "two pound eighty" then hands over the exact money in dirty fluff coated coins (i`d hate to know where they`ve been)
This process happens almost every day .....home to town (an hour or so) then town to home.
Last year, just before christmas i had the absolute pleasure of picking Paul up from his usual collection point in town. The usual silent journey took place. Upon arrival i was taken aback when Paul got out & said "There you go, there`s three pounds there." dropping three shiny pound coins into my hand.
Wow, i thought. A christmas tip & a bit of festive spirit from the guy.
"Thankyou very much Paul" i said with a big smile "that`s very kind of you"
Paul just stood & stared at me.....then shouted "I WANT 20p CHANGE!!!"
The tight git!
Friday 24 September 2010
Four days to London....
I picked up a really interesting old bloke one day. He was in his late 90s & was sharp as a knife with his mind, but he could no longer walk or get about without a helper.
I`d picked him up from the old folks home he lived in. He had an appointment at Burnley General Hospital.
He said he didn`t get out much these days & was enjoying the run over to Burnley.
Along the way he told me about how he`d left school at 14 & went straight down the local coal mine. He didn`t like it much & a few years later was involved in a mine accident that had trapped both his legs, breaking them.
He went on to tell me the leg breaks had ended his mining career, but had set him in a new direction....he became an apprentice traction engine driver..... the sort you used to see on fair grounds & on Fred Dibnah-type tv programs. He said he loved the outdoor life & told me in the days before motorways & 'proper' lorries, it`d take four days to get to London & then another four day back.
.....& i whinged when it took me four hours to drive down there a few weeks ago!
I`d picked him up from the old folks home he lived in. He had an appointment at Burnley General Hospital.
He said he didn`t get out much these days & was enjoying the run over to Burnley.
Along the way he told me about how he`d left school at 14 & went straight down the local coal mine. He didn`t like it much & a few years later was involved in a mine accident that had trapped both his legs, breaking them.
He went on to tell me the leg breaks had ended his mining career, but had set him in a new direction....he became an apprentice traction engine driver..... the sort you used to see on fair grounds & on Fred Dibnah-type tv programs. He said he loved the outdoor life & told me in the days before motorways & 'proper' lorries, it`d take four days to get to London & then another four day back.
.....& i whinged when it took me four hours to drive down there a few weeks ago!
I`m 93 you know.....
There`s a lovely old dear i pick up quite often. I take her to the hair dressers, shopping, to the bank & for medical appointments (doctors, eyes, ears, feet etc...)
She is a wonderfully posh old lady who revels in the glory of telling everybody who`ll listen, she`s "93 you know".
When i say she`s lovely, i mean she is lovely in a 'hard work' kind of way. She brings doddering to a new level & can be quite a test to your patience.
One day i picked her up, or rather collected her. It took me nearly five minutes to walk her from her door, up the short garden path to the waiting car.
"You`ll have to hold my arm & help me. I`m 93 you know" she pointed out to me in her shaky but very well spoken voice.
Another 5 minutes later, i had her seat-belted into the car. We were ready to roll.
I asked where she wanted to go today. She told me a visit to the bank & then the opticians. So off we went.
Upon arrival at the Barclays bank in town, i managed to get the single parking space outside. It took me a couple of minutes to get her out of the car & then another minute or so to walk her the fifteen feet to the bank. It was busy inside the bank. All three of the manned points were queued at least five deep. She walked straight to the front of the nearest queue, saying "I`m 93 you know" & then demanded to speak to the manager. One of the bank staff came around the side of the counter & we led the old dear to an available desk. "Can i help you madame?" He asked.
"Yes" she said "....I`m Mrs ##### (i`ll not mention the name) & i wish to make a deposit"
The guy looked at me. I looked at him & shrugged my shoulders in an 'i`m only the driver' kind of way.
"Err, ok madame. We can do that for you. How much do you wish to put in your account?" he asked.
"ten pounds." she handed an envelope over with the money in. "i`m 93 you know"
Five minutes later, the bank guy & myself were walking her out of the bank & back to my car. On our way out i saw a female traffic warden hovering around my car.
"I`m sorry about this love" i said "I didn`t realise i was going to be this long"
"You can`t park here" she said.
"I know & i`m terribly sorry, but i`ve got this elderly lady who cannot walk far & she had a bank appointment"
"That`s not my problem" was the response i got form the warden. She was about to write a ticket out.
By this time, the old dear & the bank guy had arrived at the car.
"What`s all this?" asked the elderly lady.
"I`m getting booked for parking here" i explained.
She turned to look at the female traffic warden & blasted her. "Now look here! I am 93 you know! & i cannot walk very far. Now you stop what you`re doing this instant & leave us be!" To my amazement the traffic warden, not wanting an altercation with a 93 year old woman backed off & told me to "be as quick as possible".
Next stop was the opticians in Morrisons. Another 5 minutes of getting out of the car & extemely slow walking into the store & finally into the opticians.
"Hello. Can i help you?" asked the young girl at the counter.
"I wish to speak to the manager" said the old dear. "...i`m 93 you know"
Again the assistant looked over to me for guidance. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn`t know what she`d come in for.
"Ok. I`ll go & see if he`s available" said the assistant.
Two minutes later the girl appeared with the shop manager. He introduced himself & asked how he could be of assistance. "I`m Mrs ###### & i`m 93 you know. Do you have a card?" The guy looked puzzled & glanced over to me. I said "I`m only the driver"
"A card?" he asked her.
"Yes. Do you have a card?"
"What sort of card do you mean madame?" he asked.
"A card with your number on"
"number?" He asked.
"Yes. So i can ring you to make an appointment"
"Oh...." he said with a tinge of relief "Do you wish to make an appointment?"
"No! I wish to have a card with your number on, so i can make an appointment!" She rattled back at him with more than a hint of annoyance.
"I like to use my telephone" said explained "I`m 93 you know"
Eventually, the old dear got her card & all three of us helped her out of the shop & back to the car. It was a five minute journey back to the old dear`s home & another five minutes helping her out & walking her down the short path to her door. I got about three more "I`m 93`s" during that short period of time too.
All in all, i`d driven, fetched & carried for nearly an hour & half & felt mentally exhausted. The lady paid me & said she`d require another taxi later in the week.
Do you know what? I can`t bloody wait til she`s 94!!!
She is a wonderfully posh old lady who revels in the glory of telling everybody who`ll listen, she`s "93 you know".
When i say she`s lovely, i mean she is lovely in a 'hard work' kind of way. She brings doddering to a new level & can be quite a test to your patience.
One day i picked her up, or rather collected her. It took me nearly five minutes to walk her from her door, up the short garden path to the waiting car.
"You`ll have to hold my arm & help me. I`m 93 you know" she pointed out to me in her shaky but very well spoken voice.
Another 5 minutes later, i had her seat-belted into the car. We were ready to roll.
I asked where she wanted to go today. She told me a visit to the bank & then the opticians. So off we went.
Upon arrival at the Barclays bank in town, i managed to get the single parking space outside. It took me a couple of minutes to get her out of the car & then another minute or so to walk her the fifteen feet to the bank. It was busy inside the bank. All three of the manned points were queued at least five deep. She walked straight to the front of the nearest queue, saying "I`m 93 you know" & then demanded to speak to the manager. One of the bank staff came around the side of the counter & we led the old dear to an available desk. "Can i help you madame?" He asked.
"Yes" she said "....I`m Mrs ##### (i`ll not mention the name) & i wish to make a deposit"
The guy looked at me. I looked at him & shrugged my shoulders in an 'i`m only the driver' kind of way.
"Err, ok madame. We can do that for you. How much do you wish to put in your account?" he asked.
"ten pounds." she handed an envelope over with the money in. "i`m 93 you know"
Five minutes later, the bank guy & myself were walking her out of the bank & back to my car. On our way out i saw a female traffic warden hovering around my car.
"I`m sorry about this love" i said "I didn`t realise i was going to be this long"
"You can`t park here" she said.
"I know & i`m terribly sorry, but i`ve got this elderly lady who cannot walk far & she had a bank appointment"
"That`s not my problem" was the response i got form the warden. She was about to write a ticket out.
By this time, the old dear & the bank guy had arrived at the car.
"What`s all this?" asked the elderly lady.
"I`m getting booked for parking here" i explained.
She turned to look at the female traffic warden & blasted her. "Now look here! I am 93 you know! & i cannot walk very far. Now you stop what you`re doing this instant & leave us be!" To my amazement the traffic warden, not wanting an altercation with a 93 year old woman backed off & told me to "be as quick as possible".
Next stop was the opticians in Morrisons. Another 5 minutes of getting out of the car & extemely slow walking into the store & finally into the opticians.
"Hello. Can i help you?" asked the young girl at the counter.
"I wish to speak to the manager" said the old dear. "...i`m 93 you know"
Again the assistant looked over to me for guidance. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn`t know what she`d come in for.
"Ok. I`ll go & see if he`s available" said the assistant.
Two minutes later the girl appeared with the shop manager. He introduced himself & asked how he could be of assistance. "I`m Mrs ###### & i`m 93 you know. Do you have a card?" The guy looked puzzled & glanced over to me. I said "I`m only the driver"
"A card?" he asked her.
"Yes. Do you have a card?"
"What sort of card do you mean madame?" he asked.
"A card with your number on"
"number?" He asked.
"Yes. So i can ring you to make an appointment"
"Oh...." he said with a tinge of relief "Do you wish to make an appointment?"
"No! I wish to have a card with your number on, so i can make an appointment!" She rattled back at him with more than a hint of annoyance.
"I like to use my telephone" said explained "I`m 93 you know"
Eventually, the old dear got her card & all three of us helped her out of the shop & back to the car. It was a five minute journey back to the old dear`s home & another five minutes helping her out & walking her down the short path to her door. I got about three more "I`m 93`s" during that short period of time too.
All in all, i`d driven, fetched & carried for nearly an hour & half & felt mentally exhausted. The lady paid me & said she`d require another taxi later in the week.
Do you know what? I can`t bloody wait til she`s 94!!!
Thursday 23 September 2010
The love of a mother.....
I pulled up outside the house on the Shadsworth estate & tooted my horn. Two small children were playing about in the front garden. The front door opened & two slightly 'skanky' looking young women came out. One had a folded down pushchair, the other holding a young baby.
I wound the window down & said "Sorry love, i can only take 4 people in my taxi"
"You wot?" she asked.
"I`m only licensed to carry 4 people in my car"
"But there`s only four of us" she said.
I pointed out that two women, two kids & a baby was five people.
"But it`s only a f#####g baby!" she said.
"Sorry love. I don`t make the rules. If i get caught with more than four passengers in my car, i`ll lose my license. I can`t take you"
"You`re `avin a laff are you?" she said.
"Sorry love, i`m serious. Do you want me to order you a bigger car?"
"Will that cost more?" she asked.
"Yes, they do cost more, but they can take six passengers." i informed her.
"I`m not f#####g paying more" she angrily said. "...what if i put the baby in the pram & then in the boot?"
I was astounded & taken a-back by the shear motherly instinct of this teen-skank-mum. I said "Sorry love, no-can-do. Do you want me to order a bigger car?"
"No f##k that...." she said "I`ll ring the pakis. They`ll take us"
I drove off shaking my head
Warms the cockles of your heart doesn`t it ;0)
I wound the window down & said "Sorry love, i can only take 4 people in my taxi"
"You wot?" she asked.
"I`m only licensed to carry 4 people in my car"
"But there`s only four of us" she said.
I pointed out that two women, two kids & a baby was five people.
"But it`s only a f#####g baby!" she said.
"Sorry love. I don`t make the rules. If i get caught with more than four passengers in my car, i`ll lose my license. I can`t take you"
"You`re `avin a laff are you?" she said.
"Sorry love, i`m serious. Do you want me to order you a bigger car?"
"Will that cost more?" she asked.
"Yes, they do cost more, but they can take six passengers." i informed her.
"I`m not f#####g paying more" she angrily said. "...what if i put the baby in the pram & then in the boot?"
I was astounded & taken a-back by the shear motherly instinct of this teen-skank-mum. I said "Sorry love, no-can-do. Do you want me to order a bigger car?"
"No f##k that...." she said "I`ll ring the pakis. They`ll take us"
I drove off shaking my head
Warms the cockles of your heart doesn`t it ;0)
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