Why did the chicken cross the road?....

It was dinner time, & i`d just nipped into a sandwich shop for something to eat. I was in one of the town`s asian areas, full of tiny shops & row upon row of tightly packed terraced houses. I sat there munching on my sarnie & watching the world go by, when something caught my eye. A few doors up from where i`d parked, a reddishy-brown chicken walked out of an open doorway, sauntered across the road & disappeared into another house opposite. About thirty seconds later a little asian woman appeared at the front door from where the chicken had originated. In her hand was a large kitchen knife. She looked up & down the road, obviously looking for the bird before shrugging her shoulders & going back inside. I wonder if the chicken knew just how close it had come to meeting its maker!

Those lovable Romany folk....

It`s 7am on a cold dark winters morn. My first job of the day comes beeping through my datahead. It`s pick-up from a local shop just down the road & it`s going to another town. A decent first job of the day me thinks! :0)

My heart sinks when i arrive at the shop. I am greeted by a guy in his early 20s who is obviously very drunk, carrying a plastic bag full of bottles & cans of beer. The guy wobbles over & gets in the car. "Good morning" i say chirpilly "Where we off to?" It is then i realise who i`ve picked up. The almost Irish-tinged accent of one of the local gypsy population. The conversation goes as follows....

Me..."where we off to?"
Him..."just f#####g drive"
Me..."I need to know where to?"
Him..."Accrington"
Me..."where abouts in Accrington?
Him..."I`ll show you when we get there"

(alarm bells are ringing in my head)

The conversation continues as i drive....

Him..."how much is this gonna cost?"
Me..."eleven pounds mate" (it`s a fixed rate town to town)
Him..."I`ll give you five"
Me..."Sorry mate, it`s eleven pounds. It says here" (I point to the rates list)
Him..."i`ll give you five pounds & nothing more"

I slam on my breaks & stop. I`ve only gone a mile or so....

Me..."Look mate, it`s gonna cost eleven pounds to go to Accrington. You either pay full upfront now or pay for this mile & get out here"

Him..."I`ll pay when i get there"
Me..."No you won`t. You`ll pay now or get out"
Him..."Don`t you think i`ll pay"
Me..."No. That`s why i want money up-front"

The guy fumbles in his pocket & produces a crumpled up £20 note. I take it & give him £9 change. He mumbles under his breath something like "ripping off c###".
I ignore him & continue our journey.

Not much further down the road, the guy again fumbles in his pocket & produces a cigarette & lighter. I point at the 'NO SMOKING' sign infront of him & say "Sorry mate, you cannot smoke in here". It starts again....

Him..."I`ll smoke where i f#####g want"
Me..."Not in here you won`t mate"
Him..."I`ve paid for this taxi. I`ll smoke if i want"
Me..."No you won`t"

We argue the toss for a good few minutes. He eventualy puts the cigarette away & continues his mumbled insults...."f#####g fat c###" etc....

He then reaches into his plastic bag & comes up with a bottle of beer. He tries to open it with his teeth. We start again....

Me..."Sorry pal, there`s no eating or drinking in here"
Him..."I`m only having a beer"
Me..."Not in here pal"
Him..."Why not?"
Me..."Cos it says NO EATING OR DRINKING on the sign in front of you."
Him..."I`m having a drink"
Me..."No you`re not"

We argue the toss once more. He eventually puts the bottle away.
We`re not far from Accrington now. He continues with his under-the-breath insults & threats.
He says..."I`m gonna kick you`re f#####g windscreen though in a minute"
Me..."Why`s that?"
Him..."Cos you`re a c### & i don`t like you"
Me..."Can i ask you a question?"
Him..."What?"
Me..."Why are you being such an arse-hole?"
Him..."I`m not"
Me..."Really? I`d say you`ve been a complete nightmare since the moment you got in"

....He goes quiet for a moment, then says "I`m gonna kick you`re f#####g head in when i get out"
Me..."why`s that then?"
Him..."cos i don`t like you"

He continues his under-breath threats & insults as we drive into Accrington centre. I ask him where we are going. He says "keep going, it`s further up the road..."
Me..."where abouts?
Him..."Just keep going you f#####g fat c###"
Me..."No need for that"
Him..."drive on"

Suddenly i do a swift right turn...

Him..."where we going?"
Me..."a short-cut mate"
Him..."where to?"
Me..."just here"

I drive straight into the forecourt of Accrington Police station. There`s a couple of Police officers talking in the entrance of the building. I toot my horn loudly & drive right over to them. The gypsy hasn`t a clue what`s going on. I wind down my window & politely ask "Excuse me officers, could you possible help me get this idiot out of my car? He`s done nothing but threaten to kick my head in & damage my car since he got in" The officers open the passenger door & pull the guy out....

Him..."I haven`t done anything. I haven`t done anything!!"
Officer..."The guy wants you out"
Him..."but i haven`t done anything, honest!"

The officer asks if i to press charges. I say "No, i just want him out thanks"
Officer..."has he paid you?"
Me..."Yes, i`ve been paid, but the guy has been threatening to kick-off for the entire journey"

I thank the police officers for their assistance & they drag the drunken gypsy off. I can still hear him protesting his innocence to the officers. I stop on my way out of the police station & dump his plastic bag full of bottles & cans into a litter bin.

I press my 'CLEARED' button on my datahead & then press for my 'NEXT JOB'

A pilots tale

An elderly guy in his late eighties was telling me about some of his exploits during WW2. He was a pilot in the RAF. Not a fancy fighter or bomber pilot, just a cargo pilot. He flew several types of aircraft but ended up flying mainly C47 Dakotas. He`d carry cargo, troops & even prisoners all over the theatre of war. One story he told me was quite surprising to say the least. He was in the far east, they had loaded some cargo & were transporting a company of Gurkhas to a new destination. Just before they took off, he got instructions to squeeze a handful of Japanese POWs onto his plane. The Gurkhas didn`t like this one bit. They hated the Japs, but they were all boarded & the flight took off. Upon arrival, they discovered the Japanese POWs were not on the plane. Apparently the Gurkhas had taken exception to them & thrown all them out mid-flight.

I expressed my amazement & doubts on hearing this tale. The elderly gent told me a lot of nasty things happened on both sides during the war & assured me it happened. He said a statement was taken from the crew & that was the last he heard about it.

Mans best friend

I picked up a couple of old ladies from the local crematorium the other day. They had been to pay their respects at a friends funeral. Whilst slowly driving through the park that led away from the crematorium i spied a man patiently waiting for his dog to finish taking a dump. The gent had a small plastic bag wrapped around his hand ready to pick up the freshly laid turd......not an uncommon site in local parks, BUT he was holding a sandwich in his other hand!!